Tuesday, September 15, 2009


So I am talking to my wife the other day trying to figure out why she has been a bit depressed of late. (She does suffer from mild depression.) And it ultimately came around to what I have always figured. She feeds off of me emotionally. While I am very open to her and know I can tell her just about anything (except what I choose not to, such as my suicide attempts) I now feel like I need to close those doors a bit. I know how most people view me and my depression. They tend to think to themselves "just get over it and move on, that is life". Well we know that is not how it works. And my wife knows this. But she is very open to other people's feelings, her mother and sister and myself especially, and tends to pull it all in. So I have realized now that my downtimes are affecting her more than I thought. This leads me to the conclusion that I must put on a happy face from now on and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows, no matter what the truth is. I think I can do this. Maybe not in the past but now that I have this blog and my loyal readers with all of their feedback it is a possibility. I think I am going to have to. Not really any other choice in the matter.

In the past I had to be careful about what I said and when. I never spoke of my childhood abuse or trauma when she was down. And it kind of hurt to have to time everything out. I knew though that when I felt really low it would always affect her. Lately though it has been very bad for her and so I now will have to bottle it all back up. She is really a terrific woman and an amazing wifey. It just kills me to see her down and know that I had a hand in it. She deserves better.

So I sit here and ponder all of this and I find myself wondering if other spouses are just as susceptible in their own way. Do others have to measure what they say or do not say as well. I know it must be frustrating for a spouse who does not suffer from anything and can therefore not truly understand the curse that we bare in life. While some may become depressed as well or may even get angry or exasperated.

Be it bipolar, adhd, bpd, abuse (childhood or other), depression, anxiety, ocd or any other of a long list of afflictions. It seems that, except for a truly blessed few, it shall always be a demon on our backs which we will have to suffer mostly on our own.


  1. I'm going to have simmer on this one for awhile. I totally know what you're saying, but can't figure out exactly how I feel about it and my mother is about to come over I need to be firing on all cylinders for that.

  2. When it comes to my husband his usual response is anger. He especially gets annoyed if I'm experiencing anxiety. My mental state never affects him on a personal level though. His outlook stays the same regardless of how bad it gets for me. My blog has helped so much when it comes to expressing my feelings. I really can't do that in front of him or he'll get pissed.

  3. I think one must be very, very careful when bottling up emotions. Do you have a therapist? I understand not wanting to bring your wife down, but where do you draw the line? It's one thing to have a filter on how you express your emotions, but God knows we have lots of them and they will not be ignored unless maybe you're on a high dose of antipsychotics.

    You'd have to ask my husband how he feels about me in my bad times. Most of the time he just says he wishes there was something he could do and leaves me alone. He seems to understand there's no way for him to understand.

  4. this picture, that hallway blows my mind. That picture speaks volumes to me.

  5. My husband gets Angry sometime and he is supportive sometimes...i guess it depends on the level of my mania or depressive state. He gets angry most of the time though. He thinks i am making excuses, want attention, or am just complaining all the time about everything. It doesn't stop me from talking to him all together...but i have found that the more i bottle it up the worse it makes me feel...id rather speak my peace and him say something hurtful than hold it in an let it boil and boil inside. I have to say that this blogging experience has helped alot...what i do is I write it all out and if he asks whats wrong i say you can read my blog and understand why...so i am not complaining to him its his choice to read it, so he has no room to complain...So i wouldnt hide your emotions, just maybe dont come out and say whats on your mind tell her to read how you feel on your blog if she really wants to know...so she is choosing to see whats going on and you arent bringing her down by putting it all on her.


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