Friday, September 11, 2009

Remember the toothache!

I was reading some more on Buddhism today and I came across a passage that has given me some thought. The author talks about not just suffering and identifying with your suffering but he also speaks of remembering your suffering. He says that when we have a toothache we think of how good it feels to not have a toothache. But once the toothache is gone we no longer think of how much better it now is to not have the ache. We simply put it behind us and forget about the pain.

So I was dwelling on this when I started to think about where I am now compared to where I have been in the past. I remember what it was like when I was suicidal, when the darkest of days were looming in front of me. When I felt like all had abandoned me and I deserved nothing, not even the air I breathe. I thought of all the difficult times I have faced in the past and those that I face now. Without a doubt, as bad as things can be now, they are better than they once were. In fact anything short of being suicidal again, which hasn't happened in over 3 months now, is better. So I have spent the morning contemplating and comparing myself now to when things were the worst, such as the day I tried to kill myself. It helps me. I feel a bit more empowered to take control of my life. I have been at the edge and I have stepped off. I have revisited the edge several times and probably will again. But right now I am not there and understanding that "lack" of suffering is putting me in a better place. I can feel how much stronger I am now. I am not deluding myself into thinking that this feeling will last forever but right now it is there and it is mine. I plan to enjoy this for as long as I can. Until my demons recognize it and pull it away from me, it is mine.

The image at the top of the page I chose for a reason. It is an icon of my life, of where I see myself right now. The passage is dark and dirty, there is no feeling of warmth or comfort. But where there was nothing I now see a light at the end. How far I have to go to reach that I do not know. I may only attain it on the day that I pass from here to the next or it may come to me next week. But I have been diagnosed, finally, and I am on medication. I have someone in my life I can talk to about most things and a blog for what I cannot say. Either way it is not bottled inside of me. And that is better than where I once was.


  1. Thank you for this post. It gave me a new way of viewing where I currently am.

  2. Very thought-provoking post, Chinaski. Thanks for posting.


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