Thursday, September 10, 2009

I was reading a blog today about love lost (by Psych Client) and it got me reminiscing about my past so I decided to put it all into words.

I remember this girl I was dating once. She was great, I mean the whole package. Beautiful, smart, funny. She could keep me laughing for hours. And her smile was out of this world, I mean it was so cute it killed me whenever I saw it. It was a good relationship that we had too, everything was perfect except for me. We lasted 8 months and I give her credit for hanging around that long. Back then, in my early twenties, I was so screwed up in the head I usually didn't know if I was coming or going. I wasn't diagnosed then and so I had no meds to keep me balanced. My father was constantly flaking on me. It seemed the harder I tried to connect with him the more he would back away. At the time it was killing me because I felt that for the first time in a long time I really needed a father to help me out, really guide me through life. So anyways I kept trying to do right by my girl but my head was so screwed up that I couldn't give her the time and effort she really deserved. I wanted to but it just wasn't physically or emotionally possible. So without getting into details she eventually left me and faded from my life. I think of her often, usually a couple times a week, and I still miss her. She was a good thing and unfortunately I couldn't make it work. It is kind of screwed up the way relationships would work out for me. I am a bit of a romantic and prone to falling in love. Even now if I see a picture of a pretty girl my heart will skip. So all of my relationships would start great. I would end up a bit manic with the thought of love and laughter coming my way. But, of course, the mania never lasts and neither would the relationship. It didn't help that I could never open up to a girl either. A man is not supposed to cry and if he does he sure as hell won't tell his new girlfriend about it.

My wife was almost a similar loss in my life. All the same characteristics of my first real love yet packaged in her own different way. The biggest difference between them is that my wife saw me with all of my problems and loved me anyways. She is the one who got me to open up and started me on the path to healing myself. Lord knows I might not be here right now if it wasn't for her.

In case any of you are wondering, my love for my wife is the greatest I have ever known and it grows every day. I think I have a big heart though, tough from years of abuse. So everyday I find the need to feel some emotion for something new, just a little bit. But I am comfortable in the thought that it will never rival what I feel for my wifey.


  1. When I look back at all my relationship problems over the years it makes me want to cringe. I wish I could have gotten my head together sooner.

  2. I love this post Chinaski. You have some great insight into yourself. I'm glad that you have your wife. That means a whole lot for your healing too!


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