I am lacking so much energy it really isn't funny anymore. I am not a lazy person by nature, I love working hard and getting things done. My favorite feeling is crashing after a long day's work, that feeling of having accomplished something. But for a long while now I have had no energy. I get worn out after a half hour of doing dishes. I just want to sit in a dark room and read a book or watch a movie. Lately I have been having a real hard time focusing on a book for more than a minute. I think maybe I need to really talk to my doc about changing or upping some of my meds. I dread going through it but this is just not acceptable. I can see it affecting my wife also. As much as she tries to be there for me it is no fair for her to do the brunt of everything around here. It is coming down to a quality of life issue. For both of us.

So I have an appointment with my doc soon. I only see her every 3 weeks or so. I have not gone to see her or anyone else on a regular basis to discuss things since I could never find someone I trust enough to open up. She only helps me with my meds. Too many demons are wanting out and I am scared to truly unload them, even on my wife. I think slowly but surely I may be able to accomplish that on here which is why I hope this can serve as my therapy. My blog is always here, never on vacation, and I can freely say what I want. The few readers I have are always supportive and are kindred spirits enough where I know that at least one or two of them will always understand at least part of where I am coming from.

Switching meds

So I was just reading another blog (which you can see under my blog follower) and this girl was talking about her meds and how the insurance company switched her to a generic. Nothing is worse than having to switch a med. I spent a lot of time trying out different meds before I go the cocktail I have now. Holy crap that sucked. Manic then depressed, high then low, sometimes so friggin quick that my head was spinning. Trying to wait it out past the initial phase that the doc told me might be rough nearly put me over the edge. I almost had a third attempt at one point it was so bad. Well if you have been there you know what I am talking about. If not then you have no idea, try to and I gaurantee you are not even close. For the girl who got switched....good luck, kid. I am rooting for ya.

Bipolar and ADHD

So I have hinted at it and now is a good time to talk about it I guess. I am bipolar and adhd. I never use to really believe in these things. I grew up in a time where it was a common band aid to say someone was bipolar or adhd like it was a cure all for being "f"ed up. My whole life was crap and I figured that was just how it was. Eventually I got married and after a while hit a very bad cycle of depression. After nearly a year my wife finally convinced me to try and get help. The therapist I saw tested me on several things and said I was right off the chart for bp and adhd. Said she couldn't understand how I got this far without being diagnosed and helped. I figured she was full of it and told her so. She then sat down and spent the next ten minutes describing my life. And I mean she hit every little point. Read me like a book!

I then believed her enough to try some of the meds she wanted to give me. Well that was a roller coaster ride from hell. I found myself hoping beyond anything that there was a miracle drug out there that could fix me. About a year later I finally got on a cocktail of drugs that has helped me out. A bit. No "wonder cure" or "miracle drug". But they make a difference.

Mental disorder runs in the family (every other generation or so) yet no one thought to have me checked out. I suppose if I had lived in a nice home where things were not so bad it may have been more easy to spot. But in my home, where no one gave a damn about anyone but themselves, it didn't happen. As for myself, life sucked right from day one. I figured that was life. My own mood swings or dark thoughts were nothing that seemed out of the ordinary to me. And forget trying to tell someone about how you feel like shit or that you can't stop thinking about death. Who gives a shit?