Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A stressful interloper

So things have been going about status quo lately. Nothing new, nothing unusual. For the last month though my wife has been begging and pleading for a lap dog. Not just any dog either, a mini hotdog that she spent time with at her cousins. She went for a visit awhile ago for three days with her mother and sister. Now if I had been there I could have headed this all off. I know how she gets around small dogs, puppies especially. We already have 2 dogs equalling 15o lbs at home and they both think they are lapdogs. Not good enough apparently. I never deny my wife anything, you could call her spoiled in fact. In our entire relationship I have said no only twice before so when I do she listens. I explained how it wouldn't work to her. Still didn't matter. She was hurting for a lap dog. So one day last week I said fine, you can have your dog.


The thing is a pain in the ass and it is driving me crazy. I have been stressed out non-stop since it came home. The problem is that our two rather large dogs do not care for it and have even snapped and/or bitten it a couple of times. So now I have to discipline my two loves which I hate to do. The main problem being that I am now on full alert any time all three dogs are in the house. It is just too fragile. I have to be listening for any growling or snapping or yelping to make sure the puppy does not get hurt. It is killing me. I have not enjoyed a single day since it got here. Yes it is cute. Yes it is tiny and adorable. Yes it likes to snuggle and give kisses. For the first time in my life however I have found a dog I do not care for. No, that is too gentle. I despise it.

It takes attention from our other two dogs and creates tension for them also since they are now learning how to behave around it. Life is now upside down and I do not care for it. Luckily I will be out of the house a lot doing some home repairs for a friend. This way I will not have to deal with the little monster. It will get locked in upstairs and the other two will have the downstairs. My wife is catching on to my tension I believe even though I have tried to hide it. It has been less than a week so I am hoping that things will cool down and get better soon.

So life is a little less than perfect right now but this is just one more trial to face. I can handle one more. I have been juggling several at one time my entire life. What is one more?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Swinging more than Tarzan

Well it has been a few days since my last post. I have been very much busy trying to deal with life and my mental imbalances. I have been mood swinging a lot lately. A lot! Five or seven times a day minimal. But things are calming down mentally now and life is getting easier for it. Nothing much has changed in my life. I have been putting on a rosier face for the wifey and her mood has definitely lightened. She is much happier now thinking I am doing well (see last post). Truth is things really could be worse. In my swings I have been getting very manic and have been finishing things around the house like a madman (no pun intended). Then the downswing and I crash hard. At these times I have been just sitting at the computer surfing around aimlessly. It is very mind numbing and helps pass the hour or so until I switch again. Then I am off. If anyone was watching me closely they would probably mistake me for a meth fiend. Nights have been rough but what are you gonna do?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


So I am talking to my wife the other day trying to figure out why she has been a bit depressed of late. (She does suffer from mild depression.) And it ultimately came around to what I have always figured. She feeds off of me emotionally. While I am very open to her and know I can tell her just about anything (except what I choose not to, such as my suicide attempts) I now feel like I need to close those doors a bit. I know how most people view me and my depression. They tend to think to themselves "just get over it and move on, that is life". Well we know that is not how it works. And my wife knows this. But she is very open to other people's feelings, her mother and sister and myself especially, and tends to pull it all in. So I have realized now that my downtimes are affecting her more than I thought. This leads me to the conclusion that I must put on a happy face from now on and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows, no matter what the truth is. I think I can do this. Maybe not in the past but now that I have this blog and my loyal readers with all of their feedback it is a possibility. I think I am going to have to. Not really any other choice in the matter.

In the past I had to be careful about what I said and when. I never spoke of my childhood abuse or trauma when she was down. And it kind of hurt to have to time everything out. I knew though that when I felt really low it would always affect her. Lately though it has been very bad for her and so I now will have to bottle it all back up. She is really a terrific woman and an amazing wifey. It just kills me to see her down and know that I had a hand in it. She deserves better.

So I sit here and ponder all of this and I find myself wondering if other spouses are just as susceptible in their own way. Do others have to measure what they say or do not say as well. I know it must be frustrating for a spouse who does not suffer from anything and can therefore not truly understand the curse that we bare in life. While some may become depressed as well or may even get angry or exasperated.

Be it bipolar, adhd, bpd, abuse (childhood or other), depression, anxiety, ocd or any other of a long list of afflictions. It seems that, except for a truly blessed few, it shall always be a demon on our backs which we will have to suffer mostly on our own.

Monday, September 14, 2009

"Pressing on" - 2 more quotes I use often

For those of you that have been reading this blog you may have figured out that I often look to motivational writings during my darker times. Little passages that help me to feel so not alone and to help me press on with life. Well, here is another quote that I sometimes refer to in life. It is from a book by Robert Greene about conquering the social games of everyday life.

He says..."Every day you face battles - that is the reality for all creatures in their struggle to survive. But the greatest battle of all is with yourself - your weaknesses, your emotions, your lack of resolution in seeing things through to the end. You must declare unceasing war on yourself. As a warrior in life, you welcome combat and conflict as ways to prove yourself, to better your skills, to gain courage, confidence, and experience. Instead of repressing your doubts and fears, you must face them down, do battle with them. You want more challenges and you invite more war. You are forging the warrior's spirit, and only constant practice will lead you there." -RG

At times when I want to give up or give in, which is where I find my self today, wanting to give in, this helps me realize that a lot of people struggle with similar problems in everyday life. Granted "we" (those of us who struggle with bipolar and similar issues), and those like us, are in a completely different dimension. Our struggles are multiplied to the nth degree compared to the average individual. But one thing I have realized of late is that there is a "we", and not just an "I". And "we" have our own brand of struggles that we face every day.

This is one such passage that helps me to want to fight just a little harder. To press on just a little further and try to make this day a better day.

And to end this post is probably my most favorite of all quotes.

"TODAY IS VICTORY OVER YOURSELF OF YESTERDAY; tomorrow is your victory over lesser men.” -Miyamoto Musashi

(thanks to Ghost Girl for the theme of this post.)
So my sleep cycle is still way off. I am oversleeping way too much. My sleep quality has gone down hill a bit. I am having a lot of dreams that are very vivid and tend to relate to something that happened that very day. They are the types of dreams that tend to happen when you are in that state of sleep where you are almost awake but not quite. Does that make sense? Maybe that is my problem. I am not falling fully asleep, just going into a very light sleep like state. I will have to try some tylenol pm tonight, maybe that will help.

Meanwhile I am going to take a nap (yes, more sleep) and then I will have to try to accomplish some things around the house. The wifey wants to cook dinner tonight so maybe a good home cooked meal will help too.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

What a crazy weekend it has been. I woke up saturday morning after about 8 hours of decent sleep and was feeling ok. Then around noon I dropped like a rock and slept for about 6 more hours. Of course after that I could not go to sleep until about 5 this morning. Then I wake up at 9 with only 4 hours sleep and I am completely wired. I mean high speed, low drag, go, go, go. So crazy. Now I am doing some housework which is cool since I have been so out of it for the last month I have barely done a thing.

I think it is safe to say, dear readers, that I am officially on a good sized upswing. Hopefully I will not get too manic this time, but when does what I want and what happens ever truly coincide? Just about never. Soooo, I really have nothing else to say but with my wife out of the house and no one to talk to I feel like I need to have some type of output. So I continue to type....

Here is another little motivational piece that I enjoy. It is not a direct quote but it is close.

"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Be water my friend." -Bruce Lee

Not bad, huh. If you think about it there is a lot of wisdom in those words. So here I will leave you with these parting words.

Be water my friends.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Remember the toothache!

I was reading some more on Buddhism today and I came across a passage that has given me some thought. The author talks about not just suffering and identifying with your suffering but he also speaks of remembering your suffering. He says that when we have a toothache we think of how good it feels to not have a toothache. But once the toothache is gone we no longer think of how much better it now is to not have the ache. We simply put it behind us and forget about the pain.

So I was dwelling on this when I started to think about where I am now compared to where I have been in the past. I remember what it was like when I was suicidal, when the darkest of days were looming in front of me. When I felt like all had abandoned me and I deserved nothing, not even the air I breathe. I thought of all the difficult times I have faced in the past and those that I face now. Without a doubt, as bad as things can be now, they are better than they once were. In fact anything short of being suicidal again, which hasn't happened in over 3 months now, is better. So I have spent the morning contemplating and comparing myself now to when things were the worst, such as the day I tried to kill myself. It helps me. I feel a bit more empowered to take control of my life. I have been at the edge and I have stepped off. I have revisited the edge several times and probably will again. But right now I am not there and understanding that "lack" of suffering is putting me in a better place. I can feel how much stronger I am now. I am not deluding myself into thinking that this feeling will last forever but right now it is there and it is mine. I plan to enjoy this for as long as I can. Until my demons recognize it and pull it away from me, it is mine.

The image at the top of the page I chose for a reason. It is an icon of my life, of where I see myself right now. The passage is dark and dirty, there is no feeling of warmth or comfort. But where there was nothing I now see a light at the end. How far I have to go to reach that I do not know. I may only attain it on the day that I pass from here to the next or it may come to me next week. But I have been diagnosed, finally, and I am on medication. I have someone in my life I can talk to about most things and a blog for what I cannot say. Either way it is not bottled inside of me. And that is better than where I once was.