Spouses

So I am talking to my wife the other day trying to figure out why she has been a bit depressed of late. (She does suffer from mild depression.) And it ultimately came around to what I have always figured. She feeds off of me emotionally. While I am very open to her and know I can tell her just about anything (except what I choose not to, such as my suicide attempts) I now feel like I need to close those doors a bit. I know how most people view me and my depression. They tend to think to themselves "just get over it and move on, that is life". Well we know that is not how it works. And my wife knows this. But she is very open to other people's feelings, her mother and sister and myself especially, and tends to pull it all in. So I have realized now that my downtimes are affecting her more than I thought. This leads me to the conclusion that I must put on a happy face from now on and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows, no matter what the truth is. I think I can do this. Maybe not in the past but now that I have this blog and my loyal readers with all of their feedback it is a possibility. I think I am going to have to. Not really any other choice in the matter.

In the past I had to be careful about what I said and when. I never spoke of my childhood abuse or trauma when she was down. And it kind of hurt to have to time everything out. I knew though that when I felt really low it would always affect her. Lately though it has been very bad for her and so I now will have to bottle it all back up. She is really a terrific woman and an amazing wifey. It just kills me to see her down and know that I had a hand in it. She deserves better.

So I sit here and ponder all of this and I find myself wondering if other spouses are just as susceptible in their own way. Do others have to measure what they say or do not say as well. I know it must be frustrating for a spouse who does not suffer from anything and can therefore not truly understand the curse that we bare in life. While some may become depressed as well or may even get angry or exasperated.

Be it bipolar, adhd, bpd, abuse (childhood or other), depression, anxiety, ocd or any other of a long list of afflictions. It seems that, except for a truly blessed few, it shall always be a demon on our backs which we will have to suffer mostly on our own.

I was reading a blog today about love lost (by Psych Client) and it got me reminiscing about my past so I decided to put it all into words.

I remember this girl I was dating once. She was great, I mean the whole package. Beautiful, smart, funny. She could keep me laughing for hours. And her smile was out of this world, I mean it was so cute it killed me whenever I saw it. It was a good relationship that we had too, everything was perfect except for me. We lasted 8 months and I give her credit for hanging around that long. Back then, in my early twenties, I was so screwed up in the head I usually didn't know if I was coming or going. I wasn't diagnosed then and so I had no meds to keep me balanced. My father was constantly flaking on me. It seemed the harder I tried to connect with him the more he would back away. At the time it was killing me because I felt that for the first time in a long time I really needed a father to help me out, really guide me through life. So anyways I kept trying to do right by my girl but my head was so screwed up that I couldn't give her the time and effort she really deserved. I wanted to but it just wasn't physically or emotionally possible. So without getting into details she eventually left me and faded from my life. I think of her often, usually a couple times a week, and I still miss her. She was a good thing and unfortunately I couldn't make it work. It is kind of screwed up the way relationships would work out for me. I am a bit of a romantic and prone to falling in love. Even now if I see a picture of a pretty girl my heart will skip. So all of my relationships would start great. I would end up a bit manic with the thought of love and laughter coming my way. But, of course, the mania never lasts and neither would the relationship. It didn't help that I could never open up to a girl either. A man is not supposed to cry and if he does he sure as hell won't tell his new girlfriend about it.

My wife was almost a similar loss in my life. All the same characteristics of my first real love yet packaged in her own different way. The biggest difference between them is that my wife saw me with all of my problems and loved me anyways. She is the one who got me to open up and started me on the path to healing myself. Lord knows I might not be here right now if it wasn't for her.

In case any of you are wondering, my love for my wife is the greatest I have ever known and it grows every day. I think I have a big heart though, tough from years of abuse. So everyday I find the need to feel some emotion for something new, just a little bit. But I am comfortable in the thought that it will never rival what I feel for my wifey.