A stressful interloper

So things have been going about status quo lately. Nothing new, nothing unusual. For the last month though my wife has been begging and pleading for a lap dog. Not just any dog either, a mini hotdog that she spent time with at her cousins. She went for a visit awhile ago for three days with her mother and sister. Now if I had been there I could have headed this all off. I know how she gets around small dogs, puppies especially. We already have 2 dogs equalling 15o lbs at home and they both think they are lapdogs. Not good enough apparently. I never deny my wife anything, you could call her spoiled in fact. In our entire relationship I have said no only twice before so when I do she listens. I explained how it wouldn't work to her. Still didn't matter. She was hurting for a lap dog. So one day last week I said fine, you can have your dog.

Ooops.

The thing is a pain in the ass and it is driving me crazy. I have been stressed out non-stop since it came home. The problem is that our two rather large dogs do not care for it and have even snapped and/or bitten it a couple of times. So now I have to discipline my two loves which I hate to do. The main problem being that I am now on full alert any time all three dogs are in the house. It is just too fragile. I have to be listening for any growling or snapping or yelping to make sure the puppy does not get hurt. It is killing me. I have not enjoyed a single day since it got here. Yes it is cute. Yes it is tiny and adorable. Yes it likes to snuggle and give kisses. For the first time in my life however I have found a dog I do not care for. No, that is too gentle. I despise it.

It takes attention from our other two dogs and creates tension for them also since they are now learning how to behave around it. Life is now upside down and I do not care for it. Luckily I will be out of the house a lot doing some home repairs for a friend. This way I will not have to deal with the little monster. It will get locked in upstairs and the other two will have the downstairs. My wife is catching on to my tension I believe even though I have tried to hide it. It has been less than a week so I am hoping that things will cool down and get better soon.

So life is a little less than perfect right now but this is just one more trial to face. I can handle one more. I have been juggling several at one time my entire life. What is one more?

Swinging more than Tarzan

Well it has been a few days since my last post. I have been very much busy trying to deal with life and my mental imbalances. I have been mood swinging a lot lately. A lot! Five or seven times a day minimal. But things are calming down mentally now and life is getting easier for it. Nothing much has changed in my life. I have been putting on a rosier face for the wifey and her mood has definitely lightened. She is much happier now thinking I am doing well (see last post). Truth is things really could be worse. In my swings I have been getting very manic and have been finishing things around the house like a madman (no pun intended). Then the downswing and I crash hard. At these times I have been just sitting at the computer surfing around aimlessly. It is very mind numbing and helps pass the hour or so until I switch again. Then I am off. If anyone was watching me closely they would probably mistake me for a meth fiend. Nights have been rough but what are you gonna do?

Spouses

So I am talking to my wife the other day trying to figure out why she has been a bit depressed of late. (She does suffer from mild depression.) And it ultimately came around to what I have always figured. She feeds off of me emotionally. While I am very open to her and know I can tell her just about anything (except what I choose not to, such as my suicide attempts) I now feel like I need to close those doors a bit. I know how most people view me and my depression. They tend to think to themselves "just get over it and move on, that is life". Well we know that is not how it works. And my wife knows this. But she is very open to other people's feelings, her mother and sister and myself especially, and tends to pull it all in. So I have realized now that my downtimes are affecting her more than I thought. This leads me to the conclusion that I must put on a happy face from now on and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows, no matter what the truth is. I think I can do this. Maybe not in the past but now that I have this blog and my loyal readers with all of their feedback it is a possibility. I think I am going to have to. Not really any other choice in the matter.

In the past I had to be careful about what I said and when. I never spoke of my childhood abuse or trauma when she was down. And it kind of hurt to have to time everything out. I knew though that when I felt really low it would always affect her. Lately though it has been very bad for her and so I now will have to bottle it all back up. She is really a terrific woman and an amazing wifey. It just kills me to see her down and know that I had a hand in it. She deserves better.

So I sit here and ponder all of this and I find myself wondering if other spouses are just as susceptible in their own way. Do others have to measure what they say or do not say as well. I know it must be frustrating for a spouse who does not suffer from anything and can therefore not truly understand the curse that we bare in life. While some may become depressed as well or may even get angry or exasperated.

Be it bipolar, adhd, bpd, abuse (childhood or other), depression, anxiety, ocd or any other of a long list of afflictions. It seems that, except for a truly blessed few, it shall always be a demon on our backs which we will have to suffer mostly on our own.

"Pressing on" - 2 more quotes I use often

For those of you that have been reading this blog you may have figured out that I often look to motivational writings during my darker times. Little passages that help me to feel so not alone and to help me press on with life. Well, here is another quote that I sometimes refer to in life. It is from a book by Robert Greene about conquering the social games of everyday life.

He says..."Every day you face battles - that is the reality for all creatures in their struggle to survive. But the greatest battle of all is with yourself - your weaknesses, your emotions, your lack of resolution in seeing things through to the end. You must declare unceasing war on yourself. As a warrior in life, you welcome combat and conflict as ways to prove yourself, to better your skills, to gain courage, confidence, and experience. Instead of repressing your doubts and fears, you must face them down, do battle with them. You want more challenges and you invite more war. You are forging the warrior's spirit, and only constant practice will lead you there." -RG

At times when I want to give up or give in, which is where I find my self today, wanting to give in, this helps me realize that a lot of people struggle with similar problems in everyday life. Granted "we" (those of us who struggle with bipolar and similar issues), and those like us, are in a completely different dimension. Our struggles are multiplied to the nth degree compared to the average individual. But one thing I have realized of late is that there is a "we", and not just an "I". And "we" have our own brand of struggles that we face every day.

This is one such passage that helps me to want to fight just a little harder. To press on just a little further and try to make this day a better day.

And to end this post is probably my most favorite of all quotes.

"TODAY IS VICTORY OVER YOURSELF OF YESTERDAY; tomorrow is your victory over lesser men.” -Miyamoto Musashi

(thanks to Ghost Girl for the theme of this post.)

So my sleep cycle is still way off. I am oversleeping way too much. My sleep quality has gone down hill a bit. I am having a lot of dreams that are very vivid and tend to relate to something that happened that very day. They are the types of dreams that tend to happen when you are in that state of sleep where you are almost awake but not quite. Does that make sense? Maybe that is my problem. I am not falling fully asleep, just going into a very light sleep like state. I will have to try some tylenol pm tonight, maybe that will help.

Meanwhile I am going to take a nap (yes, more sleep) and then I will have to try to accomplish some things around the house. The wifey wants to cook dinner tonight so maybe a good home cooked meal will help too.

What a crazy weekend it has been. I woke up saturday morning after about 8 hours of decent sleep and was feeling ok. Then around noon I dropped like a rock and slept for about 6 more hours. Of course after that I could not go to sleep until about 5 this morning. Then I wake up at 9 with only 4 hours sleep and I am completely wired. I mean high speed, low drag, go, go, go. So crazy. Now I am doing some housework which is cool since I have been so out of it for the last month I have barely done a thing.

I think it is safe to say, dear readers, that I am officially on a good sized upswing. Hopefully I will not get too manic this time, but when does what I want and what happens ever truly coincide? Just about never. Soooo, I really have nothing else to say but with my wife out of the house and no one to talk to I feel like I need to have some type of output. So I continue to type....

Here is another little motivational piece that I enjoy. It is not a direct quote but it is close.

"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Be water my friend." -Bruce Lee

Not bad, huh. If you think about it there is a lot of wisdom in those words. So here I will leave you with these parting words.

Be water my friends.

Remember the toothache!

I was reading some more on Buddhism today and I came across a passage that has given me some thought. The author talks about not just suffering and identifying with your suffering but he also speaks of remembering your suffering. He says that when we have a toothache we think of how good it feels to not have a toothache. But once the toothache is gone we no longer think of how much better it now is to not have the ache. We simply put it behind us and forget about the pain.

So I was dwelling on this when I started to think about where I am now compared to where I have been in the past. I remember what it was like when I was suicidal, when the darkest of days were looming in front of me. When I felt like all had abandoned me and I deserved nothing, not even the air I breathe. I thought of all the difficult times I have faced in the past and those that I face now. Without a doubt, as bad as things can be now, they are better than they once were. In fact anything short of being suicidal again, which hasn't happened in over 3 months now, is better. So I have spent the morning contemplating and comparing myself now to when things were the worst, such as the day I tried to kill myself. It helps me. I feel a bit more empowered to take control of my life. I have been at the edge and I have stepped off. I have revisited the edge several times and probably will again. But right now I am not there and understanding that "lack" of suffering is putting me in a better place. I can feel how much stronger I am now. I am not deluding myself into thinking that this feeling will last forever but right now it is there and it is mine. I plan to enjoy this for as long as I can. Until my demons recognize it and pull it away from me, it is mine.

The image at the top of the page I chose for a reason. It is an icon of my life, of where I see myself right now. The passage is dark and dirty, there is no feeling of warmth or comfort. But where there was nothing I now see a light at the end. How far I have to go to reach that I do not know. I may only attain it on the day that I pass from here to the next or it may come to me next week. But I have been diagnosed, finally, and I am on medication. I have someone in my life I can talk to about most things and a blog for what I cannot say. Either way it is not bottled inside of me. And that is better than where I once was.

I was reading a blog today about love lost (by Psych Client) and it got me reminiscing about my past so I decided to put it all into words.

I remember this girl I was dating once. She was great, I mean the whole package. Beautiful, smart, funny. She could keep me laughing for hours. And her smile was out of this world, I mean it was so cute it killed me whenever I saw it. It was a good relationship that we had too, everything was perfect except for me. We lasted 8 months and I give her credit for hanging around that long. Back then, in my early twenties, I was so screwed up in the head I usually didn't know if I was coming or going. I wasn't diagnosed then and so I had no meds to keep me balanced. My father was constantly flaking on me. It seemed the harder I tried to connect with him the more he would back away. At the time it was killing me because I felt that for the first time in a long time I really needed a father to help me out, really guide me through life. So anyways I kept trying to do right by my girl but my head was so screwed up that I couldn't give her the time and effort she really deserved. I wanted to but it just wasn't physically or emotionally possible. So without getting into details she eventually left me and faded from my life. I think of her often, usually a couple times a week, and I still miss her. She was a good thing and unfortunately I couldn't make it work. It is kind of screwed up the way relationships would work out for me. I am a bit of a romantic and prone to falling in love. Even now if I see a picture of a pretty girl my heart will skip. So all of my relationships would start great. I would end up a bit manic with the thought of love and laughter coming my way. But, of course, the mania never lasts and neither would the relationship. It didn't help that I could never open up to a girl either. A man is not supposed to cry and if he does he sure as hell won't tell his new girlfriend about it.

My wife was almost a similar loss in my life. All the same characteristics of my first real love yet packaged in her own different way. The biggest difference between them is that my wife saw me with all of my problems and loved me anyways. She is the one who got me to open up and started me on the path to healing myself. Lord knows I might not be here right now if it wasn't for her.

In case any of you are wondering, my love for my wife is the greatest I have ever known and it grows every day. I think I have a big heart though, tough from years of abuse. So everyday I find the need to feel some emotion for something new, just a little bit. But I am comfortable in the thought that it will never rival what I feel for my wifey.

I am back to feeling very blah. No emotion. Not happy, not sad. Not manic, not depressed. Just kind of straddling that line like my mind does not know which way to go. I have a psych appointment tomorrow to go over my meds. I will have to think about how to express my feelings about everything. I am horrible at being able to sum things up. I can never explain how I feel properly enough.

I am lacking so much energy it really isn't funny anymore. I am not a lazy person by nature, I love working hard and getting things done. My favorite feeling is crashing after a long day's work, that feeling of having accomplished something. But for a long while now I have had no energy. I get worn out after a half hour of doing dishes. I just want to sit in a dark room and read a book or watch a movie. Lately I have been having a real hard time focusing on a book for more than a minute. I think maybe I need to really talk to my doc about changing or upping some of my meds. I dread going through it but this is just not acceptable. I can see it affecting my wife also. As much as she tries to be there for me it is no fair for her to do the brunt of everything around here. It is coming down to a quality of life issue. For both of us.

So I have an appointment with my doc soon. I only see her every 3 weeks or so. I have not gone to see her or anyone else on a regular basis to discuss things since I could never find someone I trust enough to open up. She only helps me with my meds. Too many demons are wanting out and I am scared to truly unload them, even on my wife. I think slowly but surely I may be able to accomplish that on here which is why I hope this can serve as my therapy. My blog is always here, never on vacation, and I can freely say what I want. The few readers I have are always supportive and are kindred spirits enough where I know that at least one or two of them will always understand at least part of where I am coming from.

in-laws

So my wife informs me today that we are having dinner at my mother-in-laws home tomorrow. With all the other in-laws and their spouses. Woohooo. (Shoot me now!) I might just have to double up on my meds just to make it through.

Let me tell ya about my in-laws. First there is the mother who talks and acts like an 18 year old valley girl. "Whaaat? No way! Like, really? Oh my gosh!" She doesn't say these separately mind you. That is one complete sentence. Sometimes I want to smack her and remind her she is 58.

Then there is the baby sister. She doesn't simply love drama. She doesn't simply thrive on it. She has to try and create it everywhere she goes. All...Day...Long! Everything is so horrible, so terrible, poor her, poor her! And she is supposed to be the healthy one folks. Supposedly no afflictions at all as she loves to point out. Unlike me. Sometimes I want to smack her and tell her to get therapy!

Then we have the brother. A bigger piece of shit I rarely get to meet. He uses his family for his own purpose. Borrows money from his broke mother who works overtime because he does not want to get off of unemployment and get a job. Gets a job in sales, hits up everyone in the family first to help his own sales, then brags about what a great salesman he is. "I can sell ice to an eskimo." My wife and I scrape the bank account to give her mother some cash when she gets two weeks of furlough. He brags about how he lost 2 million of the 6 million he had when the stock market dropped. 2 hundred dollars out of 6 hundred, maybe!

All together they need a team of therapists, working on nothing but them, around the clock. One time the sister had the nerve to call my wife at work and tell her the family thought our marriage was a mistake. In the middle of the day she calls my wife at work to say this. Needless to say my wife was so upset that she had to leave early. I come home to my wifey bawling at the kitchen table. Sobbing about how her family thinks we rushed things and we are not a good match and they all thought it was a mistake but no one would say anything before the wedding. This coming from a mother who had announced she was engaged, two seperate times, to two different men, after just a matter of a couple months of dating. One of them was after this whole debacle. And get this, not only had she been seeing him for only one month. No one in the family had even known she was dating! By the way, no wedding yet. The sister had been dating her husband, who is about 24 years older than her, while he was still married! Now we had been dating for 3 years and had shared an apartment for 2 of them yet we were the ones rushing things. The brother, who was involved in all this, later states that he had nothing to do with it and then talks about how he is above this and everyone else. "Because he would say something to a person's face if he had a problem with them." And then he goes on to badmouth me to my wife whenever I am not around, never saying word one to me. Now I am not a violent person, I am actually a pacifist, yet sometimes my good nature has it's end.

The spouses are not much better.

So now tomorrow I have to sit in a cramped apartment with my wife and 5 people I can not stand for 4 hours or so. This will be painful. This will last an eternity. Satan and hell have nothing on tomorrow night.

Well, so much for alone time last night. My wife got a call yesterday that one of her friends was in town and her family was having a bonfire. We have a good relationship with the family and I found myself only slightly reluctantly agreeing to go. That was a mistake. We arrived to find the place packed with people. Some I had met previously, some were new to me, none I wanted to deal with. The rest of the night was spent with me nodding my head and uttering noises such as "yup", "uh huh" and "hmmmm" as I tried to find new ways to dodge the drunken conversations constantly being thrown at me. I rarely drink. I have found that with my meds and all of my, lets say "issues" for lack of a better word right now, that alcohol does not improve things. In fact, in a situation such as last night where I felt rather trapped inside my own skin having to listen to all these people and their banal chatter, things would not have worked out. Luckily I was able to make my way out of the throngs and wound up in a conversation with the father who I do respect.

So several hours later I was escorting my wife, who was more than buzzed, less than completely drunk, home to bed. That is always fun. Nothing better than trying to get a drunk person to bed when you are bone dry sober.

So yesterday was not the day I had hoped for. My plans for today were rather involved so I decided to scrap them for a more relaxed plan. I feel like today is my own now, to do with as I please. So I shall relax, catch up on some blogs I am following, go out to breakfast and possibly accomplish something around the house. But if I don't then that is ok too. Today is mine. Hopefully this relaxed attitude, which already feels good to me, will allow me to be more productive. Possibly I will have the chance to even catch up on my book about Buddha's teachings.

Something for everyone to remember!

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice in the back of your head that says I will try tomorrow." -unknown

To all that may read this blog and share in my trials and tribulations. To all with bipolar or adhd or bpd or past abuse or any other of the conflicts you face on a daily basis. This is for you. My admiration and devotion is yours as we all choose to press on through the fire.

To those no longer with us. I am sorry for what you had to face. I hope peace is finally yours.

I wish I could write everything I am feeling right now but my wifey is in the next room and I do not want to get caught on here. Suffice it to say today is ok, not as well as I had hoped, but I should be able to push through it. I think my afternoon dose of adderall may help. I hope. Hopefully tonight I will be able to get some alone time and post all that I am feeling. Possibly after she falls asleep. Until then...

A good day

Today has been a great day! After yesterday's breakdown I didn't think today was going to be much different. I was wrong. I finished painting a room for some friends that I have been working on for the past two days. That's right, I finished something. I took my meds at the right times and it is a gorgeous day outside. Once wifey gets home we are going to take the puppies for a walk in the park and then clean up and go out for dinner.

I am definitely above the line in my cycle right now and I hope it stays for at least the weekend. Monday I will deal with once it gets here. Until then I hope to be ok. It has been a long while since I have had a good weekend.

On another note that job I was waiting to hear about finally called back. They "decided to go in a different direction." Bastards, made me wait 2 weeks to hear that.

Not a good day today. Had a breakdown thinking of my past and all that it includes. It was a bit rough but I am better now. Might have something to do with my med schedule being a bit off lately.

Today was a pretty good day. I felt rather balanced which is a nice change from of late. My energy was good too. The only problem I have that has not gone away lately is emotional. I do not feel anything. I just am. I exist. That is it. I don't know, it is hard to explain but it is there. If I get a better grip on it I will try to explain it better.

A good night's sleep.

I remember about 6 years ago when it occurred to me that my parents were simply evil people. How could I have truly deserved all that they did to me from such an early age? What could be the reason to make my entire life such a living hell? Simple, there is no reason. They are just evil.

I remember the day that I realized all of this. I slept good that night.

The parents

Another little piece of info from my past. The thing about my parents wasn't just the verbal or physical abuse. It was the obvious hatred in it all. They didn't just say or do mean things out of neglect or casualness. They were just evil. They enjoyed the pain they inflected on me, the hurt. It was fun for them.

I have extreme issues with my weight, always have. Even now I am big but I am also classically big boned. I have a large frame. Proportionally I am stronger than the average bear. But I am extremely aware of my weight. I can never forget it or go out and not feel like everyone is staring at me. The parents used to tell me things like they were embarrassed to be seen with me in public because of my weight. We would have family over and someone would say "hey, your looking good" to which the parents would reply "don't lie to him, he looks like crap". Nice to hear when you are 8 years old.

At one time I had asked for horse riding lessons. (I was about 8 or 9 and still naive about my situation and possibly getting something.) Rather than just say "no" or "no, we can not afford it" they told me I would break the horse's back if I got on him. It absolutely killed me on the inside because I believed it. I was not that big of a kid, nothing like some of the unfortunate children today who are truly obese. I was just husky. Weighed maybe 10 or 15 lbs more than other kids. That was the start of my efforts to starve myself. Of course it never worked out or helped, but I would try, try, try again. I even meddled with bulimia for awhile. I realize now though that it was nothing more than them being cruel yet again. Something for them to laugh about. To this day I can not look in the mirror without being disgusted. My wife tells me she loves the way I look and I can not understand why.

Somethings you can get over. I can not feel the bruises from all of the beatings. The scars are healed and barely noticeable now. The constant yelling no longer rings in my ears. But every time I look in that damn mirror...

The art of listening.

So I am reading this book and it talks about being a good listener. I would like to be a better listener. I remember not having anyone to listen or care about what I had to say when I was young. It was horrible. After a while you simply do not talk for fear of the reprisals. The yelling and screaming and being told you are an idiot for whatever you just said or asked. That was usually better than the slap across the head and being told to shut up but it was usually a coin toss. I would like to think I could come out of that and be better for it. Gain something from it all. Give it a reason for having happened. I think I could be a great listener if it wasn't for my short attention span. I lose track of things in mid sentence. It sucks. I'll ask someone a question and ten minutes later realize I didn't hear the answer. That's adhd for ya. Maybe someday my meds will be balanced enough to where I could be a better listener. Overall I would rather listen than talk. I have my blog for expressing myself. Even if I only have 2 wonderful, absolutely fantastic followers. (A little unashamed sucking up for those that visit this site.) This anonymous splatter of words I throw up on these pages is actually making me feel better. I can see the therapeutic relief it brings. Since I do not go to a therapist per se, just a psychiatrist for my meds, it is nice to finally put these thoughts somewhere besides locked in the back of my head.

You know as I sit here thinking and dreading about having to adjust my meds I am trying to imagine what it would have been like to go through this hell during high school. I mean high school was bad enough just being bipolar and adhd. Add in my home life and it was really difficult at times to say the least. But I think of how difficult it has been to go through this process of going on and off meds trying to find what works and throwing high school on top.

My hat is off to all of you who had to do that! Granted I wish I was diagnosed earlier than at the age of 33 but I can't imagine doing this as a teenager. It is rough enough as an adult with a somewhat settled existence. The basic routine of work, dinner, sleep has probably helped keep me somewhat sane through all of it. Well, as sane as one can be. I am afraid that one or two of my meds will have to increase on my next visit to the doc. I mean it is a change which will inevitably help somewhere down the road. Or so I tell myself as a motivation tool to keep taking them. But the short term "roller coaster" as I like to call it is never good. Plus I am sure everyone knows that when things are rough the doc's basic canned response of "Give it another week" only makes you want to cry. You ever see a 6 foot, 275 lb, built like a linebacker, bipolar II guy break down in tears? My wife calls it a little unnerving. I think she is being nice.

My bike

Couldn't fall asleep last night and I had to wake up early this morning. Right now I just feel crappy. My stomach hurts and my allergies are kicking in. I think I am going to try and take a nap. Still waiting to hear about the job. I think it is a non-issue by now. I don't see them calling this late to say it is mine. Still it would be nice for them to just call and say so instead of leaving me hanging.

On another note I sold my motorcycle today. My wife has been on me to get rid of it for awhile now. She doesn't mind cruising type bikes but mine was a crotch rocket. Didn't help that I passed her on the highway one day awhile back. According to her I was going a little fast, I never saw her. So it is gone. I loved that bike but at least now I can get a cruiser. I am thinking about an old Indian, black with red accents. That would be sweet. Of course it has to wait until I am working again. Meanwhile it is 4 wheels everywhere I go.

A few words for the heart and soul

A couple quotes that have always helped me and may be of some comfort to others...

"The ocean of suffering is immense, but if you turn around, you can see the land."

"The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but do not wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy."

"When one tree in the garden is sick, you have to care for it. But do not overlook all the healthy trees."

"Even while you have pain in your heart, you can enjoy the many wonders of life - the beautiful sunset, the smile of a child, the many flowers and trees. To suffer is not enough. Please do not be imprisoned by your suffering."

-Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk

For anyone who has not read this man's work I highly recommend it. A zen master, poet, teacher, mystic, scholar and activist. His words can be very soothing to the soul. He had once been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Buddha

Did I mention that I am reading about Buddhism? I think this might be a good time to read some more. The book I have now is excellent and contains a lot of great ideas for dealing with suffering and soothing the mind. Now if I can only find it.

Addictive personality

Today is not going well. I am really feeling sluggish but my brain is doing ok. I think I will just have to force myself to get going on some of my chores. They really need to be done by today since we are having a major trash run done tomorrow. I may have to take a nap first. I don't know what I am going to do when I get another job. Hopefully I will be so excited that my energy problem won't be a problem.

I remember being like this when I was a kid. My parents believed in whipping me into work, quite literally, constantly yelling that I am lazy. Well I guess I am lazy but my energy has been a lifelong problem obviously tied into my constant lows and being bipolar. I also have an addictive personality which leads into anything having to do with computers. Simple things like farmtown on facebook will get me occupied for hours. Forget about it when I am playing a real game on the computer. I refuse to allow myself to play world of warcraft for this very reason. When I was younger, before home computers, it was any game. Chess, monopoly, checkers, tic tac toe. I would want to go for hours. But, if you have been actually reading this you will know by now that I never had anyone to play with. I knew better than to even ask the parents after the first few tries. When we got an atari I was hooked. Super mario bros. Forget it. I used to skip school and hide outside until the parents left and then go in and play video games all day.

I only got caught once. I still wince when I think about that beating. Afterwards I didn't stop skipping, i just stopped getting caught. I became real good at not getting caught at things. I was very sneaky. A side effect of growing up in an abusive household. Well, abusive towards me. My sisters never got it, just the step kid. I still kind of hold a grudge about that even though I am close to my sisters. They keep trying to get me involved with my parents again but no dice. I deserve the right to cut them out of my life after everything they put me through. F*ck 'em.

Well Sunday wasn't productive but it was a good day. My wife and I went out for lunch and afterwards she wanted to go to the mall for a few things. By the time we got home it was pretty late and we were burnt out. But I felt energetic all day and that was good. Today will be another test. If I remember to take my adderall in the afternoon like a good little boy I may do okay. I don't know where this upswing came from or what brought it on but I hope it sticks around for at least another day or two. With the mood I have been in trying to find a job and sending out all of these resumes with so little feedback from interested companies. Plus the stress of being cooped up at home all day. I could definitely use this break.

Butterfly on crack...

I think the best way I can explain my anger at times is that as I get more energy and am able to accomplish things I get on myself really hard about how inactive and such a lazy shit I had just been. My wife and I had a talk today about me helping out more around the house, especially since I am laid off and at home all day anyways. The thing is that I know I need to do more but my mind races so damn fast and goes from thought to thought and subject to subject that I never accomplish anything. My mind is like a damn butterfly on crack. All over the place at 90 mph. So come the end of the day I am on myself about being so fricking lazy and it puts me even lower. And I just cycle further and further down.

One of my longest times in the trench was when I was first living with my wife. I had never shared an apartment before and I was seeing how my depression was affecting her. I wasn't diagnosed yet and had no idea why my life was the way it was. The problem was that I could see first hand how my depression was affecting her and it only put me deeper in. It just went on and on in a deathspin like that forever. Well, it seemed like forever.

I guess a lot of it comes down to the fact that I hate myself so much. I really just want out more often than not. I simply refuse to give in though. I can be a stubborn SOB like that. Maybe I can keep moving forward tomorrow, keep the momentum going, and accomplish some more chores. It would lead into a good start for the week. I think I just need more short term goals. Things I can accomplish before the butterfly comes back.

Anger

I am so tense right now. One of the side effects of an upswing, for me at least, I don't know if others are the same way, is I get real confrontational at first. I'm just begging for a fight. The wife and I already got into it a little bit. Thankfully it did not go too far. I used to go to bars on days like this and beg for someone to look at me cross eyed. Arrrggghhhhh, I am so angry! Mostly at myself but the rest of the world will do in a pinch. Something about going from motionless to in full motion just gets me going. Adrenaline rush or something.

Made a few changes to the blog. It was a bit dark for me. I think the new one is much better. Anyways, I am happy to report that I am a bit motivated today. Already got some work done and I am off to do more.

I wish more days could be like this.

I am hoping to be able to get myself motivated tomorrow. Lots that needs to be done around the house that I have been putting off. My wife is a trooper for putting up with it. I mean I sit around all day in one of my emotional trenches, pissed at myself and able to do nothing productive. Meanwhile she comes home from work, does chores, dinner and all kinds of crap. Of course this makes me feel worse, the guilt, and I get even lower than I was. Its a screwed up vicious cycle. I need to figure out something to help. Rolling the dice and hoping I wake up in an upswing or slightly manic mode is just not paying off.

Relationships

Here is a common thread I have been reading in other people's blogs. Relationships getting screwed up. Look, I am not trying to be a Dr. Phil here by no means. And lord knows I have screwed up more than my fair share of relationships. Hey, if you are bipolar it is gonna happen. One key element that has made my marriage work. It actually brought us from the edge of divorce back to happy, happy, happy (most of the time). TALK IT OUT!

Communication is so key that I could not even begin to describe it. Now there is no way I am open about everything but I used to be completely closed. Kept it all inside. My wife finally got me to open up, little by little, until I could freely tell her things. If she had not been so persistent we would not be together today. But she got me to talk. About all of it (well, almost) what I was thinking about, how I felt about certain people like my in-laws. I now know I can come to her and tell her anything. I choose to keep some secrets but that is for my own sanity. I am selfish and enjoy having something for myself.

She taught me to be open. Not to everyone, just her. And it makes us work. This has been my only relationship to go more than 8 months and it has been roughly 5 years. I would not try this with anyone but if you think he/she is the one then try it. Little by little. No need to scare the shit out of them with what is in your head all at once.

If you doubt me then fine, but feel free to ask me more also.

Switching meds

So I was just reading another blog (which you can see under my blog follower) and this girl was talking about her meds and how the insurance company switched her to a generic. Nothing is worse than having to switch a med. I spent a lot of time trying out different meds before I go the cocktail I have now. Holy crap that sucked. Manic then depressed, high then low, sometimes so friggin quick that my head was spinning. Trying to wait it out past the initial phase that the doc told me might be rough nearly put me over the edge. I almost had a third attempt at one point it was so bad. Well if you have been there you know what I am talking about. If not then you have no idea, try to and I gaurantee you are not even close. For the girl who got switched....good luck, kid. I am rooting for ya.

On a side note I never got a damn phone call from my last interview. Don't tell me you will call next week and never call, f*ckers! In all honesty what kind of boss would I have if he can't even get that right. Still I need a job to get out of here and make some money again. In this market I guess I will take what I can get, within reason.

I think if I don't hear from them by next wednesday I will call to see what is going on. Too soon, too late? The wife doesn't think I should call at all but I eventually need to know what the story is. Her option would kill me over time. I need to know.

Well, the wifey is coming home so off to the gym I go. So this means probably no more blogging tonight and possibly not this weekend but I will try to get something out there. This is kind of addicting and since I have no conversation with anyone from 8 - 530 all day monday - friday I kinda enjoy having a way to express my thoughts.

I am bored like you could not believe. I refuse to turn the tv on for fear of where that will lead. Instead I am sitting here doing nothing. I have a book I would like to read but I know this is not the day for it. No way my head will stay focused long enough to keep track of a single paragraph.

Maybe I will try some meditation. I have been reading a lot about Buddhism lately and it really intrigues me. It might just be the spiritual path I have been looking for. I have read about how meditating can be beneficial to the mind and help with my focus. Problem is trying to slow my mind down to less than a thousand thoughts per minute. I guess I will probably just chalk this up to a bad day and let it pass. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Meanwhile I may try some Bukowski. Poems are nice and short, allows me to focus for a few seconds and then wander while I build up the mental strength to tackle another.

I truly hate not working. I feel like such a useless sh*t sitting around the house all day. And of course, due to new budget restraints, I can't do anything outside of the house because there is no money! Needless to say this does not do much for me emotionally or physically. No amount of meds is gonna keep me from being lower than usual while this goes on.

Bipolar and ADHD

So I have hinted at it and now is a good time to talk about it I guess. I am bipolar and adhd. I never use to really believe in these things. I grew up in a time where it was a common band aid to say someone was bipolar or adhd like it was a cure all for being "f"ed up. My whole life was crap and I figured that was just how it was. Eventually I got married and after a while hit a very bad cycle of depression. After nearly a year my wife finally convinced me to try and get help. The therapist I saw tested me on several things and said I was right off the chart for bp and adhd. Said she couldn't understand how I got this far without being diagnosed and helped. I figured she was full of it and told her so. She then sat down and spent the next ten minutes describing my life. And I mean she hit every little point. Read me like a book!

I then believed her enough to try some of the meds she wanted to give me. Well that was a roller coaster ride from hell. I found myself hoping beyond anything that there was a miracle drug out there that could fix me. About a year later I finally got on a cocktail of drugs that has helped me out. A bit. No "wonder cure" or "miracle drug". But they make a difference.

Mental disorder runs in the family (every other generation or so) yet no one thought to have me checked out. I suppose if I had lived in a nice home where things were not so bad it may have been more easy to spot. But in my home, where no one gave a damn about anyone but themselves, it didn't happen. As for myself, life sucked right from day one. I figured that was life. My own mood swings or dark thoughts were nothing that seemed out of the ordinary to me. And forget trying to tell someone about how you feel like shit or that you can't stop thinking about death. Who gives a shit?

"in a lady's bedroom" -bukowski

trying to write a poem

in a lady's bedroom

(onions on my breath)

while she cuts a dress out of freshly bought material.

I suppose, as material

I'm not so fresh,

especially with onions

on my breath.

Well, let's see -

there's a lady in Echo Park,

one in Pasedena, one in Sacramento, on on Harvard Ave.

perhaps one of them would be more interested

in me

than in a dress ( for a while, anyhow).

meanwhile I sit in this lady's bedroom

by a hot window

while she sits at her

sewing machine.

here, she said, here's a

paper and pen,

write something.

all right, Ill be kind:

some ladies fuck like mink

and dance like nymphs

and some create

nice dresses and lonely poets

on hot July afternoons .

I am feeling talkative today. And by that I mean I will be putting a few posts up. I don't really care for talking to most people. The banal crap that comes from their mouths, completely bypassing any brain functions to edit it whatsoever, is extremely annoying.

I have a poem for you from Bukowski. It is titled "in a lady's bedroom". I will put it in a separate post for those who wish to read it.

This guy just wrote right from his own reality and gut. He threw everything out there and this is a fine example I believe. The man was a lifelong drunk (until much later in life at least where he still drank wine) and a real ornery cuss. Definitely not someone you wanted to piss off at the end of a three day bender. But man oh man, could he write.

So I am off to breakfast. It is one of the highlights of my day. Nothing better than some french toast with melted butter and syrup. Or eggs over easy so you can dip your toast in the yolk. And bacon. I love my bacon soft, not crispy. Sometimes they have these pancakes with cinnamon apples in them. I love food. Something about an excellent meal that makes everything feel less urgent, less daunting. But I really love breakfast. I used to love orange juice. It was a staple at my table but I can't drink it now because vitamin c will mess with one of my meds. Life can really bite you in the ass sometimes.

A Virgin

So there I was driving to work down a rather busy highway. Life was not well. Among many things I had been trying to build a relationship with my father. Even through the years of abuse and neglect I still felt I needed something from him, some kind of approval. So after moving cross country to be near him and several months of trying to get reacquainted, things were not happening. Many of our "planned" visits resulted in my finding him in a bar and his asking me what the hell I was doing there. His girlfriends always took first priority and what was worse is that the girl's kids would become his for the time being. That ass would dote on them like they were the greatest thing ever.

Add in another failed relationship, this time with a girl I was truly in love with. Yet again my inability to talk about myself, my messed up brain and my closed off feelings screwed things up. Before you think these are minor things you must understand all the other bull that was piled on top of this. Anyone who has actually been through a severe depression could tell you how bad things can be.

So in general life sucked. I hated work, I hated home and most important I hated myself. I was (am) such a loser. No one liked me. No one cared about me. And I was top of both lists.

I realized life held nothing for me and I wanted no more of it. A lifetime of pain and hate and suffering came crashing down on me. I had enough.

I looked up to see a red light and a semi truck with trailer pulling into the road. I was about a half mile away and the pedal was all the way down. I wanted out right now. This was it. Any other option would take too long. At about 85 mph I hit the side of the trailer head on. Looking back it may have been more effective had I thought to take my seat belt off. Later I awoke to a fireman cutting the side of my car off. I passed out. Then I awoke to an EMT in a helicopter asking my name. A brief answer and I passed out. Later I finally awoke for good, strapped to a backboard, lying on a gurney. I could feel no pain. Everything moved like it should, where it could. No pain.

I later found out that my sister had been called and told to come down with my father. Come and say goodbye they said. We don't expect to see him make it through the night. I woke up at one point to see my father standing over me, a look of disappointment on his face. I bawled like a baby. I still don't know why. But I shook I was crying so hard.

Several weeks later I was released in a wheelchair. Stayed in the wheelchair for almost three months. Another month or so on crutches. I remember doing rehab and I had to do curls with a can of soup. First try I did three.

I came away from it all with a sense of purpose. My father was barely around as I healed. I no longer cared. I faced death and was still around. I gave it all up and was still here. I was going to find a reason to move on. I realized all my pain and suffering truly came from my parents. Because of my parents I almost took my own life. F*ck them! My life was finally mine. It would be better that theirs ever was. And in the end I would be the only one responsible for all of it.

Well, life doesn't go to plan, now does it.

Anonymity

My wife knows nothing of this blog and I plan to keep it that way. You will notice that I won't post at certain times, being when she is home. As open as I am to her I do not want her to see this side of me. It can be a bit dark sometimes, although I have tried to be lighthearted so far. Expect it. You may see why in my next post.

Bukowski

Every now and then you may catch me posting something about one of Bukowski's poems. The title of this blog is from one of his collections. He is a personal favorite of mine, a bit of a hero. If you haven't read any of his stuff, either poems or stories, you should at least check it out. Especially if you are here for the reasons I think you are...

Having a so-so day today. Sometimes I really have to struggle to get moving. It is like wearing a lead suit. They say depression is the reason. It just sucks to have so few good days scattered throughout the year. In case you have been wondering, yes, I am medicated. I take 4 separate meds if you count the purple one for my stomach. I never believed in them before recently. I had gone to see a therapist about my depression. It had been pretty severe and was going on its 7th month without a single upward swing. Anyways the doc had said a few things which turned me around and I must say they really do help. The world is not all daises and rainbows and neither is my head. But I have more good days than I used to.

Reflecting on suicide

Fact is I never told anyone about my attempt at suicide. Everyone believes it to be an accident. I guess I do not want the attention it would bring, or the pity. It was my choice at the time and I have managed to come away from it with something. A sort of inner peace. I reflect on it from time to time, it helps me in my travels. I do not think I will share it, ever, except to ponder on it here. Something about the anonymity of blogging that lets me speak yet feel like I am completely protected. A private journal of sorts, except that people can read it. I guess my reason for that is that someone may be able to take something from this someday. That it may help someone in their own struggles be it past or present....

There is something about music that tends to really pick me up and motivate me. I am sure most everyone else feels the same way. I am curious to know what others prefer for a song or band. Maybe I will learn something new. Of course I would need a reader for this thing, though I must say it feels better to put things out here regardless of readership or not.

Belief in myself

So here is something that is a little screwed up for ya. I know my parents are assholes. I know that they are now cut from my life and I no longer have to deal with them. I know I am better than them. But yet...everything I do I hear their voices in the back of my head telling me it was not good enough, that I am not good enough. Everything I do.

I am waiting to hear on a job that I have worked hard towards. For ten years I have worked up the ladder and constantly increased my knowledge and responsibilities in my profession. Yet I still think to myself that I do not deserve it. That I will fail if I get it. And I wonder, is this a burden that I will carry with me for the rest of my life?

A question

That last post made me think about something. Self-worth. I was always a big kid growing up, "husky" they called us back then. I remember my step father telling me how embarrassed he was to be seen in public with me because of my weight. I was not truly obese, just chunky. My strength over others matched my larger weight. The question to you is "where does self-worth, the true inner belief that you are worth the air you breathe, come from when you have always been told otherwise"? I still wrestle with this one.

I am job hunting. I was laid off several months ago and the scraps left out there are slim. I have one golden possibility still coming. An interview that went very well. I should hear from them any day now. I just hope they offer enough money to make it really worth it. I want off of unemployment but I refuse to take a job working 40 hours just to make 50 bucks more than I get now from the state. My mother always said (says) I would never amount to anything. My solace comes from the fact that I make more and work higher up the chain than she ever has or will.

So here I stand.

Welcome. I will not bother with introductions. Over time you will get to know me as you sift through my rantings, searching, as I am, for some semblance of reality, peace or wisdom. My profile shall serve as my intro for now. It is all true.

My parents were extremely self absorbed. My being the result of a failed shotgun wedding. Both sides divorced, remarried and with their own families. I was shuttled back and forth between the two towns, from one family to another, dropped off like a burden finally being relieved. I was an outsider. An interloper. Neither parent took an interest in my childhood, expecting the other to have provided the instruction, the quality time, the nurturing that a 4 year old boy needs. Both sides were quick to punish though. They almost relished the thought of disciplining me for what they blamed the other for having (or not having) taught me. Then of course the constant lectures about how my every quality must have come from the other family because I was so horrible. I never understood why there was a divorce when both sides were so much alike in everything they did.

The abuse, physical and mental, was non stop. Over time I learned how to look out for myself, avoiding the situations that were laden with catastrophe. I learned how to insert myself among the other children without leaving any hint of my true life. Time marched on. I was a child raising a child. Alone in a combined family of 7 people.

Fast forward 20 years. My first suicide attempt. I was damn near successful. Being how on the spot and sudden my decision was, things almost worked out. 10 years later I found myself there again. The difference now was I had a reason to go on. One that hadn't existed earlier.

This blog will serve as a sounding board for me. Anonymously I will post my thoughts and recollections. My insights and lessons. Hopefully the outcome will be that I have learned something more of myself and those around me. Maybe I will even have gained some peace that is well overdue.

I welcome responses and thoughts. I hope that for those of you out there who may share some of this, either past or present, some peace may come to you as well.