A stressful interloper

So things have been going about status quo lately. Nothing new, nothing unusual. For the last month though my wife has been begging and pleading for a lap dog. Not just any dog either, a mini hotdog that she spent time with at her cousins. She went for a visit awhile ago for three days with her mother and sister. Now if I had been there I could have headed this all off. I know how she gets around small dogs, puppies especially. We already have 2 dogs equalling 15o lbs at home and they both think they are lapdogs. Not good enough apparently. I never deny my wife anything, you could call her spoiled in fact. In our entire relationship I have said no only twice before so when I do she listens. I explained how it wouldn't work to her. Still didn't matter. She was hurting for a lap dog. So one day last week I said fine, you can have your dog.

Ooops.

The thing is a pain in the ass and it is driving me crazy. I have been stressed out non-stop since it came home. The problem is that our two rather large dogs do not care for it and have even snapped and/or bitten it a couple of times. So now I have to discipline my two loves which I hate to do. The main problem being that I am now on full alert any time all three dogs are in the house. It is just too fragile. I have to be listening for any growling or snapping or yelping to make sure the puppy does not get hurt. It is killing me. I have not enjoyed a single day since it got here. Yes it is cute. Yes it is tiny and adorable. Yes it likes to snuggle and give kisses. For the first time in my life however I have found a dog I do not care for. No, that is too gentle. I despise it.

It takes attention from our other two dogs and creates tension for them also since they are now learning how to behave around it. Life is now upside down and I do not care for it. Luckily I will be out of the house a lot doing some home repairs for a friend. This way I will not have to deal with the little monster. It will get locked in upstairs and the other two will have the downstairs. My wife is catching on to my tension I believe even though I have tried to hide it. It has been less than a week so I am hoping that things will cool down and get better soon.

So life is a little less than perfect right now but this is just one more trial to face. I can handle one more. I have been juggling several at one time my entire life. What is one more?

Swinging more than Tarzan

Well it has been a few days since my last post. I have been very much busy trying to deal with life and my mental imbalances. I have been mood swinging a lot lately. A lot! Five or seven times a day minimal. But things are calming down mentally now and life is getting easier for it. Nothing much has changed in my life. I have been putting on a rosier face for the wifey and her mood has definitely lightened. She is much happier now thinking I am doing well (see last post). Truth is things really could be worse. In my swings I have been getting very manic and have been finishing things around the house like a madman (no pun intended). Then the downswing and I crash hard. At these times I have been just sitting at the computer surfing around aimlessly. It is very mind numbing and helps pass the hour or so until I switch again. Then I am off. If anyone was watching me closely they would probably mistake me for a meth fiend. Nights have been rough but what are you gonna do?

Spouses

So I am talking to my wife the other day trying to figure out why she has been a bit depressed of late. (She does suffer from mild depression.) And it ultimately came around to what I have always figured. She feeds off of me emotionally. While I am very open to her and know I can tell her just about anything (except what I choose not to, such as my suicide attempts) I now feel like I need to close those doors a bit. I know how most people view me and my depression. They tend to think to themselves "just get over it and move on, that is life". Well we know that is not how it works. And my wife knows this. But she is very open to other people's feelings, her mother and sister and myself especially, and tends to pull it all in. So I have realized now that my downtimes are affecting her more than I thought. This leads me to the conclusion that I must put on a happy face from now on and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows, no matter what the truth is. I think I can do this. Maybe not in the past but now that I have this blog and my loyal readers with all of their feedback it is a possibility. I think I am going to have to. Not really any other choice in the matter.

In the past I had to be careful about what I said and when. I never spoke of my childhood abuse or trauma when she was down. And it kind of hurt to have to time everything out. I knew though that when I felt really low it would always affect her. Lately though it has been very bad for her and so I now will have to bottle it all back up. She is really a terrific woman and an amazing wifey. It just kills me to see her down and know that I had a hand in it. She deserves better.

So I sit here and ponder all of this and I find myself wondering if other spouses are just as susceptible in their own way. Do others have to measure what they say or do not say as well. I know it must be frustrating for a spouse who does not suffer from anything and can therefore not truly understand the curse that we bare in life. While some may become depressed as well or may even get angry or exasperated.

Be it bipolar, adhd, bpd, abuse (childhood or other), depression, anxiety, ocd or any other of a long list of afflictions. It seems that, except for a truly blessed few, it shall always be a demon on our backs which we will have to suffer mostly on our own.

"Pressing on" - 2 more quotes I use often

For those of you that have been reading this blog you may have figured out that I often look to motivational writings during my darker times. Little passages that help me to feel so not alone and to help me press on with life. Well, here is another quote that I sometimes refer to in life. It is from a book by Robert Greene about conquering the social games of everyday life.

He says..."Every day you face battles - that is the reality for all creatures in their struggle to survive. But the greatest battle of all is with yourself - your weaknesses, your emotions, your lack of resolution in seeing things through to the end. You must declare unceasing war on yourself. As a warrior in life, you welcome combat and conflict as ways to prove yourself, to better your skills, to gain courage, confidence, and experience. Instead of repressing your doubts and fears, you must face them down, do battle with them. You want more challenges and you invite more war. You are forging the warrior's spirit, and only constant practice will lead you there." -RG

At times when I want to give up or give in, which is where I find my self today, wanting to give in, this helps me realize that a lot of people struggle with similar problems in everyday life. Granted "we" (those of us who struggle with bipolar and similar issues), and those like us, are in a completely different dimension. Our struggles are multiplied to the nth degree compared to the average individual. But one thing I have realized of late is that there is a "we", and not just an "I". And "we" have our own brand of struggles that we face every day.

This is one such passage that helps me to want to fight just a little harder. To press on just a little further and try to make this day a better day.

And to end this post is probably my most favorite of all quotes.

"TODAY IS VICTORY OVER YOURSELF OF YESTERDAY; tomorrow is your victory over lesser men.” -Miyamoto Musashi

(thanks to Ghost Girl for the theme of this post.)

So my sleep cycle is still way off. I am oversleeping way too much. My sleep quality has gone down hill a bit. I am having a lot of dreams that are very vivid and tend to relate to something that happened that very day. They are the types of dreams that tend to happen when you are in that state of sleep where you are almost awake but not quite. Does that make sense? Maybe that is my problem. I am not falling fully asleep, just going into a very light sleep like state. I will have to try some tylenol pm tonight, maybe that will help.

Meanwhile I am going to take a nap (yes, more sleep) and then I will have to try to accomplish some things around the house. The wifey wants to cook dinner tonight so maybe a good home cooked meal will help too.

What a crazy weekend it has been. I woke up saturday morning after about 8 hours of decent sleep and was feeling ok. Then around noon I dropped like a rock and slept for about 6 more hours. Of course after that I could not go to sleep until about 5 this morning. Then I wake up at 9 with only 4 hours sleep and I am completely wired. I mean high speed, low drag, go, go, go. So crazy. Now I am doing some housework which is cool since I have been so out of it for the last month I have barely done a thing.

I think it is safe to say, dear readers, that I am officially on a good sized upswing. Hopefully I will not get too manic this time, but when does what I want and what happens ever truly coincide? Just about never. Soooo, I really have nothing else to say but with my wife out of the house and no one to talk to I feel like I need to have some type of output. So I continue to type....

Here is another little motivational piece that I enjoy. It is not a direct quote but it is close.

"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Be water my friend." -Bruce Lee

Not bad, huh. If you think about it there is a lot of wisdom in those words. So here I will leave you with these parting words.

Be water my friends.

Remember the toothache!

I was reading some more on Buddhism today and I came across a passage that has given me some thought. The author talks about not just suffering and identifying with your suffering but he also speaks of remembering your suffering. He says that when we have a toothache we think of how good it feels to not have a toothache. But once the toothache is gone we no longer think of how much better it now is to not have the ache. We simply put it behind us and forget about the pain.

So I was dwelling on this when I started to think about where I am now compared to where I have been in the past. I remember what it was like when I was suicidal, when the darkest of days were looming in front of me. When I felt like all had abandoned me and I deserved nothing, not even the air I breathe. I thought of all the difficult times I have faced in the past and those that I face now. Without a doubt, as bad as things can be now, they are better than they once were. In fact anything short of being suicidal again, which hasn't happened in over 3 months now, is better. So I have spent the morning contemplating and comparing myself now to when things were the worst, such as the day I tried to kill myself. It helps me. I feel a bit more empowered to take control of my life. I have been at the edge and I have stepped off. I have revisited the edge several times and probably will again. But right now I am not there and understanding that "lack" of suffering is putting me in a better place. I can feel how much stronger I am now. I am not deluding myself into thinking that this feeling will last forever but right now it is there and it is mine. I plan to enjoy this for as long as I can. Until my demons recognize it and pull it away from me, it is mine.

The image at the top of the page I chose for a reason. It is an icon of my life, of where I see myself right now. The passage is dark and dirty, there is no feeling of warmth or comfort. But where there was nothing I now see a light at the end. How far I have to go to reach that I do not know. I may only attain it on the day that I pass from here to the next or it may come to me next week. But I have been diagnosed, finally, and I am on medication. I have someone in my life I can talk to about most things and a blog for what I cannot say. Either way it is not bottled inside of me. And that is better than where I once was.

I was reading a blog today about love lost (by Psych Client) and it got me reminiscing about my past so I decided to put it all into words.

I remember this girl I was dating once. She was great, I mean the whole package. Beautiful, smart, funny. She could keep me laughing for hours. And her smile was out of this world, I mean it was so cute it killed me whenever I saw it. It was a good relationship that we had too, everything was perfect except for me. We lasted 8 months and I give her credit for hanging around that long. Back then, in my early twenties, I was so screwed up in the head I usually didn't know if I was coming or going. I wasn't diagnosed then and so I had no meds to keep me balanced. My father was constantly flaking on me. It seemed the harder I tried to connect with him the more he would back away. At the time it was killing me because I felt that for the first time in a long time I really needed a father to help me out, really guide me through life. So anyways I kept trying to do right by my girl but my head was so screwed up that I couldn't give her the time and effort she really deserved. I wanted to but it just wasn't physically or emotionally possible. So without getting into details she eventually left me and faded from my life. I think of her often, usually a couple times a week, and I still miss her. She was a good thing and unfortunately I couldn't make it work. It is kind of screwed up the way relationships would work out for me. I am a bit of a romantic and prone to falling in love. Even now if I see a picture of a pretty girl my heart will skip. So all of my relationships would start great. I would end up a bit manic with the thought of love and laughter coming my way. But, of course, the mania never lasts and neither would the relationship. It didn't help that I could never open up to a girl either. A man is not supposed to cry and if he does he sure as hell won't tell his new girlfriend about it.

My wife was almost a similar loss in my life. All the same characteristics of my first real love yet packaged in her own different way. The biggest difference between them is that my wife saw me with all of my problems and loved me anyways. She is the one who got me to open up and started me on the path to healing myself. Lord knows I might not be here right now if it wasn't for her.

In case any of you are wondering, my love for my wife is the greatest I have ever known and it grows every day. I think I have a big heart though, tough from years of abuse. So everyday I find the need to feel some emotion for something new, just a little bit. But I am comfortable in the thought that it will never rival what I feel for my wifey.

I am back to feeling very blah. No emotion. Not happy, not sad. Not manic, not depressed. Just kind of straddling that line like my mind does not know which way to go. I have a psych appointment tomorrow to go over my meds. I will have to think about how to express my feelings about everything. I am horrible at being able to sum things up. I can never explain how I feel properly enough.

I am lacking so much energy it really isn't funny anymore. I am not a lazy person by nature, I love working hard and getting things done. My favorite feeling is crashing after a long day's work, that feeling of having accomplished something. But for a long while now I have had no energy. I get worn out after a half hour of doing dishes. I just want to sit in a dark room and read a book or watch a movie. Lately I have been having a real hard time focusing on a book for more than a minute. I think maybe I need to really talk to my doc about changing or upping some of my meds. I dread going through it but this is just not acceptable. I can see it affecting my wife also. As much as she tries to be there for me it is no fair for her to do the brunt of everything around here. It is coming down to a quality of life issue. For both of us.

So I have an appointment with my doc soon. I only see her every 3 weeks or so. I have not gone to see her or anyone else on a regular basis to discuss things since I could never find someone I trust enough to open up. She only helps me with my meds. Too many demons are wanting out and I am scared to truly unload them, even on my wife. I think slowly but surely I may be able to accomplish that on here which is why I hope this can serve as my therapy. My blog is always here, never on vacation, and I can freely say what I want. The few readers I have are always supportive and are kindred spirits enough where I know that at least one or two of them will always understand at least part of where I am coming from.

in-laws

So my wife informs me today that we are having dinner at my mother-in-laws home tomorrow. With all the other in-laws and their spouses. Woohooo. (Shoot me now!) I might just have to double up on my meds just to make it through.

Let me tell ya about my in-laws. First there is the mother who talks and acts like an 18 year old valley girl. "Whaaat? No way! Like, really? Oh my gosh!" She doesn't say these separately mind you. That is one complete sentence. Sometimes I want to smack her and remind her she is 58.

Then there is the baby sister. She doesn't simply love drama. She doesn't simply thrive on it. She has to try and create it everywhere she goes. All...Day...Long! Everything is so horrible, so terrible, poor her, poor her! And she is supposed to be the healthy one folks. Supposedly no afflictions at all as she loves to point out. Unlike me. Sometimes I want to smack her and tell her to get therapy!

Then we have the brother. A bigger piece of shit I rarely get to meet. He uses his family for his own purpose. Borrows money from his broke mother who works overtime because he does not want to get off of unemployment and get a job. Gets a job in sales, hits up everyone in the family first to help his own sales, then brags about what a great salesman he is. "I can sell ice to an eskimo." My wife and I scrape the bank account to give her mother some cash when she gets two weeks of furlough. He brags about how he lost 2 million of the 6 million he had when the stock market dropped. 2 hundred dollars out of 6 hundred, maybe!

All together they need a team of therapists, working on nothing but them, around the clock. One time the sister had the nerve to call my wife at work and tell her the family thought our marriage was a mistake. In the middle of the day she calls my wife at work to say this. Needless to say my wife was so upset that she had to leave early. I come home to my wifey bawling at the kitchen table. Sobbing about how her family thinks we rushed things and we are not a good match and they all thought it was a mistake but no one would say anything before the wedding. This coming from a mother who had announced she was engaged, two seperate times, to two different men, after just a matter of a couple months of dating. One of them was after this whole debacle. And get this, not only had she been seeing him for only one month. No one in the family had even known she was dating! By the way, no wedding yet. The sister had been dating her husband, who is about 24 years older than her, while he was still married! Now we had been dating for 3 years and had shared an apartment for 2 of them yet we were the ones rushing things. The brother, who was involved in all this, later states that he had nothing to do with it and then talks about how he is above this and everyone else. "Because he would say something to a person's face if he had a problem with them." And then he goes on to badmouth me to my wife whenever I am not around, never saying word one to me. Now I am not a violent person, I am actually a pacifist, yet sometimes my good nature has it's end.

The spouses are not much better.

So now tomorrow I have to sit in a cramped apartment with my wife and 5 people I can not stand for 4 hours or so. This will be painful. This will last an eternity. Satan and hell have nothing on tomorrow night.

Well, so much for alone time last night. My wife got a call yesterday that one of her friends was in town and her family was having a bonfire. We have a good relationship with the family and I found myself only slightly reluctantly agreeing to go. That was a mistake. We arrived to find the place packed with people. Some I had met previously, some were new to me, none I wanted to deal with. The rest of the night was spent with me nodding my head and uttering noises such as "yup", "uh huh" and "hmmmm" as I tried to find new ways to dodge the drunken conversations constantly being thrown at me. I rarely drink. I have found that with my meds and all of my, lets say "issues" for lack of a better word right now, that alcohol does not improve things. In fact, in a situation such as last night where I felt rather trapped inside my own skin having to listen to all these people and their banal chatter, things would not have worked out. Luckily I was able to make my way out of the throngs and wound up in a conversation with the father who I do respect.

So several hours later I was escorting my wife, who was more than buzzed, less than completely drunk, home to bed. That is always fun. Nothing better than trying to get a drunk person to bed when you are bone dry sober.

So yesterday was not the day I had hoped for. My plans for today were rather involved so I decided to scrap them for a more relaxed plan. I feel like today is my own now, to do with as I please. So I shall relax, catch up on some blogs I am following, go out to breakfast and possibly accomplish something around the house. But if I don't then that is ok too. Today is mine. Hopefully this relaxed attitude, which already feels good to me, will allow me to be more productive. Possibly I will have the chance to even catch up on my book about Buddha's teachings.

Something for everyone to remember!

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice in the back of your head that says I will try tomorrow." -unknown

To all that may read this blog and share in my trials and tribulations. To all with bipolar or adhd or bpd or past abuse or any other of the conflicts you face on a daily basis. This is for you. My admiration and devotion is yours as we all choose to press on through the fire.

To those no longer with us. I am sorry for what you had to face. I hope peace is finally yours.

I wish I could write everything I am feeling right now but my wifey is in the next room and I do not want to get caught on here. Suffice it to say today is ok, not as well as I had hoped, but I should be able to push through it. I think my afternoon dose of adderall may help. I hope. Hopefully tonight I will be able to get some alone time and post all that I am feeling. Possibly after she falls asleep. Until then...

A good day

Today has been a great day! After yesterday's breakdown I didn't think today was going to be much different. I was wrong. I finished painting a room for some friends that I have been working on for the past two days. That's right, I finished something. I took my meds at the right times and it is a gorgeous day outside. Once wifey gets home we are going to take the puppies for a walk in the park and then clean up and go out for dinner.

I am definitely above the line in my cycle right now and I hope it stays for at least the weekend. Monday I will deal with once it gets here. Until then I hope to be ok. It has been a long while since I have had a good weekend.

On another note that job I was waiting to hear about finally called back. They "decided to go in a different direction." Bastards, made me wait 2 weeks to hear that.

Not a good day today. Had a breakdown thinking of my past and all that it includes. It was a bit rough but I am better now. Might have something to do with my med schedule being a bit off lately.

Today was a pretty good day. I felt rather balanced which is a nice change from of late. My energy was good too. The only problem I have that has not gone away lately is emotional. I do not feel anything. I just am. I exist. That is it. I don't know, it is hard to explain but it is there. If I get a better grip on it I will try to explain it better.

A good night's sleep.

I remember about 6 years ago when it occurred to me that my parents were simply evil people. How could I have truly deserved all that they did to me from such an early age? What could be the reason to make my entire life such a living hell? Simple, there is no reason. They are just evil.

I remember the day that I realized all of this. I slept good that night.

The parents

Another little piece of info from my past. The thing about my parents wasn't just the verbal or physical abuse. It was the obvious hatred in it all. They didn't just say or do mean things out of neglect or casualness. They were just evil. They enjoyed the pain they inflected on me, the hurt. It was fun for them.

I have extreme issues with my weight, always have. Even now I am big but I am also classically big boned. I have a large frame. Proportionally I am stronger than the average bear. But I am extremely aware of my weight. I can never forget it or go out and not feel like everyone is staring at me. The parents used to tell me things like they were embarrassed to be seen with me in public because of my weight. We would have family over and someone would say "hey, your looking good" to which the parents would reply "don't lie to him, he looks like crap". Nice to hear when you are 8 years old.

At one time I had asked for horse riding lessons. (I was about 8 or 9 and still naive about my situation and possibly getting something.) Rather than just say "no" or "no, we can not afford it" they told me I would break the horse's back if I got on him. It absolutely killed me on the inside because I believed it. I was not that big of a kid, nothing like some of the unfortunate children today who are truly obese. I was just husky. Weighed maybe 10 or 15 lbs more than other kids. That was the start of my efforts to starve myself. Of course it never worked out or helped, but I would try, try, try again. I even meddled with bulimia for awhile. I realize now though that it was nothing more than them being cruel yet again. Something for them to laugh about. To this day I can not look in the mirror without being disgusted. My wife tells me she loves the way I look and I can not understand why.

Somethings you can get over. I can not feel the bruises from all of the beatings. The scars are healed and barely noticeable now. The constant yelling no longer rings in my ears. But every time I look in that damn mirror...

The art of listening.

So I am reading this book and it talks about being a good listener. I would like to be a better listener. I remember not having anyone to listen or care about what I had to say when I was young. It was horrible. After a while you simply do not talk for fear of the reprisals. The yelling and screaming and being told you are an idiot for whatever you just said or asked. That was usually better than the slap across the head and being told to shut up but it was usually a coin toss. I would like to think I could come out of that and be better for it. Gain something from it all. Give it a reason for having happened. I think I could be a great listener if it wasn't for my short attention span. I lose track of things in mid sentence. It sucks. I'll ask someone a question and ten minutes later realize I didn't hear the answer. That's adhd for ya. Maybe someday my meds will be balanced enough to where I could be a better listener. Overall I would rather listen than talk. I have my blog for expressing myself. Even if I only have 2 wonderful, absolutely fantastic followers. (A little unashamed sucking up for those that visit this site.) This anonymous splatter of words I throw up on these pages is actually making me feel better. I can see the therapeutic relief it brings. Since I do not go to a therapist per se, just a psychiatrist for my meds, it is nice to finally put these thoughts somewhere besides locked in the back of my head.

You know as I sit here thinking and dreading about having to adjust my meds I am trying to imagine what it would have been like to go through this hell during high school. I mean high school was bad enough just being bipolar and adhd. Add in my home life and it was really difficult at times to say the least. But I think of how difficult it has been to go through this process of going on and off meds trying to find what works and throwing high school on top.

My hat is off to all of you who had to do that! Granted I wish I was diagnosed earlier than at the age of 33 but I can't imagine doing this as a teenager. It is rough enough as an adult with a somewhat settled existence. The basic routine of work, dinner, sleep has probably helped keep me somewhat sane through all of it. Well, as sane as one can be. I am afraid that one or two of my meds will have to increase on my next visit to the doc. I mean it is a change which will inevitably help somewhere down the road. Or so I tell myself as a motivation tool to keep taking them. But the short term "roller coaster" as I like to call it is never good. Plus I am sure everyone knows that when things are rough the doc's basic canned response of "Give it another week" only makes you want to cry. You ever see a 6 foot, 275 lb, built like a linebacker, bipolar II guy break down in tears? My wife calls it a little unnerving. I think she is being nice.

My bike

Couldn't fall asleep last night and I had to wake up early this morning. Right now I just feel crappy. My stomach hurts and my allergies are kicking in. I think I am going to try and take a nap. Still waiting to hear about the job. I think it is a non-issue by now. I don't see them calling this late to say it is mine. Still it would be nice for them to just call and say so instead of leaving me hanging.

On another note I sold my motorcycle today. My wife has been on me to get rid of it for awhile now. She doesn't mind cruising type bikes but mine was a crotch rocket. Didn't help that I passed her on the highway one day awhile back. According to her I was going a little fast, I never saw her. So it is gone. I loved that bike but at least now I can get a cruiser. I am thinking about an old Indian, black with red accents. That would be sweet. Of course it has to wait until I am working again. Meanwhile it is 4 wheels everywhere I go.