Tuesday, August 25, 2009

So here I stand.

Welcome. I will not bother with introductions. Over time you will get to know me as you sift through my rantings, searching, as I am, for some semblance of reality, peace or wisdom. My profile shall serve as my intro for now. It is all true.

My parents were extremely self absorbed. My being the result of a failed shotgun wedding. Both sides divorced, remarried and with their own families. I was shuttled back and forth between the two towns, from one family to another, dropped off like a burden finally being relieved. I was an outsider. An interloper. Neither parent took an interest in my childhood, expecting the other to have provided the instruction, the quality time, the nurturing that a 4 year old boy needs. Both sides were quick to punish though. They almost relished the thought of disciplining me for what they blamed the other for having (or not having) taught me. Then of course the constant lectures about how my every quality must have come from the other family because I was so horrible. I never understood why there was a divorce when both sides were so much alike in everything they did.

The abuse, physical and mental, was non stop. Over time I learned how to look out for myself, avoiding the situations that were laden with catastrophe. I learned how to insert myself among the other children without leaving any hint of my true life. Time marched on. I was a child raising a child. Alone in a combined family of 7 people.

Fast forward 20 years. My first suicide attempt. I was damn near successful. Being how on the spot and sudden my decision was, things almost worked out. 10 years later I found myself there again. The difference now was I had a reason to go on. One that hadn't existed earlier.

This blog will serve as a sounding board for me. Anonymously I will post my thoughts and recollections. My insights and lessons. Hopefully the outcome will be that I have learned something more of myself and those around me. Maybe I will even have gained some peace that is well overdue.

I welcome responses and thoughts. I hope that for those of you out there who may share some of this, either past or present, some peace may come to you as well.

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