Monday, August 31, 2009

Addictive personality

Today is not going well. I am really feeling sluggish but my brain is doing ok. I think I will just have to force myself to get going on some of my chores. They really need to be done by today since we are having a major trash run done tomorrow. I may have to take a nap first. I don't know what I am going to do when I get another job. Hopefully I will be so excited that my energy problem won't be a problem.

I remember being like this when I was a kid. My parents believed in whipping me into work, quite literally, constantly yelling that I am lazy. Well I guess I am lazy but my energy has been a lifelong problem obviously tied into my constant lows and being bipolar. I also have an addictive personality which leads into anything having to do with computers. Simple things like farmtown on facebook will get me occupied for hours. Forget about it when I am playing a real game on the computer. I refuse to allow myself to play world of warcraft for this very reason. When I was younger, before home computers, it was any game. Chess, monopoly, checkers, tic tac toe. I would want to go for hours. But, if you have been actually reading this you will know by now that I never had anyone to play with. I knew better than to even ask the parents after the first few tries. When we got an atari I was hooked. Super mario bros. Forget it. I used to skip school and hide outside until the parents left and then go in and play video games all day.

I only got caught once. I still wince when I think about that beating. Afterwards I didn't stop skipping, i just stopped getting caught. I became real good at not getting caught at things. I was very sneaky. A side effect of growing up in an abusive household. Well, abusive towards me. My sisters never got it, just the step kid. I still kind of hold a grudge about that even though I am close to my sisters. They keep trying to get me involved with my parents again but no dice. I deserve the right to cut them out of my life after everything they put me through. F*ck 'em.

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