Saturday, August 29, 2009

Butterfly on crack...

I think the best way I can explain my anger at times is that as I get more energy and am able to accomplish things I get on myself really hard about how inactive and such a lazy shit I had just been. My wife and I had a talk today about me helping out more around the house, especially since I am laid off and at home all day anyways. The thing is that I know I need to do more but my mind races so damn fast and goes from thought to thought and subject to subject that I never accomplish anything. My mind is like a damn butterfly on crack. All over the place at 90 mph. So come the end of the day I am on myself about being so fricking lazy and it puts me even lower. And I just cycle further and further down.

One of my longest times in the trench was when I was first living with my wife. I had never shared an apartment before and I was seeing how my depression was affecting her. I wasn't diagnosed yet and had no idea why my life was the way it was. The problem was that I could see first hand how my depression was affecting her and it only put me deeper in. It just went on and on in a deathspin like that forever. Well, it seemed like forever.

I guess a lot of it comes down to the fact that I hate myself so much. I really just want out more often than not. I simply refuse to give in though. I can be a stubborn SOB like that. Maybe I can keep moving forward tomorrow, keep the momentum going, and accomplish some more chores. It would lead into a good start for the week. I think I just need more short term goals. Things I can accomplish before the butterfly comes back.

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