A stressful interloper

So things have been going about status quo lately. Nothing new, nothing unusual. For the last month though my wife has been begging and pleading for a lap dog. Not just any dog either, a mini hotdog that she spent time with at her cousins. She went for a visit awhile ago for three days with her mother and sister. Now if I had been there I could have headed this all off. I know how she gets around small dogs, puppies especially. We already have 2 dogs equalling 15o lbs at home and they both think they are lapdogs. Not good enough apparently. I never deny my wife anything, you could call her spoiled in fact. In our entire relationship I have said no only twice before so when I do she listens. I explained how it wouldn't work to her. Still didn't matter. She was hurting for a lap dog. So one day last week I said fine, you can have your dog.

Ooops.

The thing is a pain in the ass and it is driving me crazy. I have been stressed out non-stop since it came home. The problem is that our two rather large dogs do not care for it and have even snapped and/or bitten it a couple of times. So now I have to discipline my two loves which I hate to do. The main problem being that I am now on full alert any time all three dogs are in the house. It is just too fragile. I have to be listening for any growling or snapping or yelping to make sure the puppy does not get hurt. It is killing me. I have not enjoyed a single day since it got here. Yes it is cute. Yes it is tiny and adorable. Yes it likes to snuggle and give kisses. For the first time in my life however I have found a dog I do not care for. No, that is too gentle. I despise it.

It takes attention from our other two dogs and creates tension for them also since they are now learning how to behave around it. Life is now upside down and I do not care for it. Luckily I will be out of the house a lot doing some home repairs for a friend. This way I will not have to deal with the little monster. It will get locked in upstairs and the other two will have the downstairs. My wife is catching on to my tension I believe even though I have tried to hide it. It has been less than a week so I am hoping that things will cool down and get better soon.

So life is a little less than perfect right now but this is just one more trial to face. I can handle one more. I have been juggling several at one time my entire life. What is one more?

Spouses

So I am talking to my wife the other day trying to figure out why she has been a bit depressed of late. (She does suffer from mild depression.) And it ultimately came around to what I have always figured. She feeds off of me emotionally. While I am very open to her and know I can tell her just about anything (except what I choose not to, such as my suicide attempts) I now feel like I need to close those doors a bit. I know how most people view me and my depression. They tend to think to themselves "just get over it and move on, that is life". Well we know that is not how it works. And my wife knows this. But she is very open to other people's feelings, her mother and sister and myself especially, and tends to pull it all in. So I have realized now that my downtimes are affecting her more than I thought. This leads me to the conclusion that I must put on a happy face from now on and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows, no matter what the truth is. I think I can do this. Maybe not in the past but now that I have this blog and my loyal readers with all of their feedback it is a possibility. I think I am going to have to. Not really any other choice in the matter.

In the past I had to be careful about what I said and when. I never spoke of my childhood abuse or trauma when she was down. And it kind of hurt to have to time everything out. I knew though that when I felt really low it would always affect her. Lately though it has been very bad for her and so I now will have to bottle it all back up. She is really a terrific woman and an amazing wifey. It just kills me to see her down and know that I had a hand in it. She deserves better.

So I sit here and ponder all of this and I find myself wondering if other spouses are just as susceptible in their own way. Do others have to measure what they say or do not say as well. I know it must be frustrating for a spouse who does not suffer from anything and can therefore not truly understand the curse that we bare in life. While some may become depressed as well or may even get angry or exasperated.

Be it bipolar, adhd, bpd, abuse (childhood or other), depression, anxiety, ocd or any other of a long list of afflictions. It seems that, except for a truly blessed few, it shall always be a demon on our backs which we will have to suffer mostly on our own.