The parents

Another little piece of info from my past. The thing about my parents wasn't just the verbal or physical abuse. It was the obvious hatred in it all. They didn't just say or do mean things out of neglect or casualness. They were just evil. They enjoyed the pain they inflected on me, the hurt. It was fun for them.

I have extreme issues with my weight, always have. Even now I am big but I am also classically big boned. I have a large frame. Proportionally I am stronger than the average bear. But I am extremely aware of my weight. I can never forget it or go out and not feel like everyone is staring at me. The parents used to tell me things like they were embarrassed to be seen with me in public because of my weight. We would have family over and someone would say "hey, your looking good" to which the parents would reply "don't lie to him, he looks like crap". Nice to hear when you are 8 years old.

At one time I had asked for horse riding lessons. (I was about 8 or 9 and still naive about my situation and possibly getting something.) Rather than just say "no" or "no, we can not afford it" they told me I would break the horse's back if I got on him. It absolutely killed me on the inside because I believed it. I was not that big of a kid, nothing like some of the unfortunate children today who are truly obese. I was just husky. Weighed maybe 10 or 15 lbs more than other kids. That was the start of my efforts to starve myself. Of course it never worked out or helped, but I would try, try, try again. I even meddled with bulimia for awhile. I realize now though that it was nothing more than them being cruel yet again. Something for them to laugh about. To this day I can not look in the mirror without being disgusted. My wife tells me she loves the way I look and I can not understand why.

Somethings you can get over. I can not feel the bruises from all of the beatings. The scars are healed and barely noticeable now. The constant yelling no longer rings in my ears. But every time I look in that damn mirror...

Addictive personality

Today is not going well. I am really feeling sluggish but my brain is doing ok. I think I will just have to force myself to get going on some of my chores. They really need to be done by today since we are having a major trash run done tomorrow. I may have to take a nap first. I don't know what I am going to do when I get another job. Hopefully I will be so excited that my energy problem won't be a problem.

I remember being like this when I was a kid. My parents believed in whipping me into work, quite literally, constantly yelling that I am lazy. Well I guess I am lazy but my energy has been a lifelong problem obviously tied into my constant lows and being bipolar. I also have an addictive personality which leads into anything having to do with computers. Simple things like farmtown on facebook will get me occupied for hours. Forget about it when I am playing a real game on the computer. I refuse to allow myself to play world of warcraft for this very reason. When I was younger, before home computers, it was any game. Chess, monopoly, checkers, tic tac toe. I would want to go for hours. But, if you have been actually reading this you will know by now that I never had anyone to play with. I knew better than to even ask the parents after the first few tries. When we got an atari I was hooked. Super mario bros. Forget it. I used to skip school and hide outside until the parents left and then go in and play video games all day.

I only got caught once. I still wince when I think about that beating. Afterwards I didn't stop skipping, i just stopped getting caught. I became real good at not getting caught at things. I was very sneaky. A side effect of growing up in an abusive household. Well, abusive towards me. My sisters never got it, just the step kid. I still kind of hold a grudge about that even though I am close to my sisters. They keep trying to get me involved with my parents again but no dice. I deserve the right to cut them out of my life after everything they put me through. F*ck 'em.