Spouses

So I am talking to my wife the other day trying to figure out why she has been a bit depressed of late. (She does suffer from mild depression.) And it ultimately came around to what I have always figured. She feeds off of me emotionally. While I am very open to her and know I can tell her just about anything (except what I choose not to, such as my suicide attempts) I now feel like I need to close those doors a bit. I know how most people view me and my depression. They tend to think to themselves "just get over it and move on, that is life". Well we know that is not how it works. And my wife knows this. But she is very open to other people's feelings, her mother and sister and myself especially, and tends to pull it all in. So I have realized now that my downtimes are affecting her more than I thought. This leads me to the conclusion that I must put on a happy face from now on and pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows, no matter what the truth is. I think I can do this. Maybe not in the past but now that I have this blog and my loyal readers with all of their feedback it is a possibility. I think I am going to have to. Not really any other choice in the matter.

In the past I had to be careful about what I said and when. I never spoke of my childhood abuse or trauma when she was down. And it kind of hurt to have to time everything out. I knew though that when I felt really low it would always affect her. Lately though it has been very bad for her and so I now will have to bottle it all back up. She is really a terrific woman and an amazing wifey. It just kills me to see her down and know that I had a hand in it. She deserves better.

So I sit here and ponder all of this and I find myself wondering if other spouses are just as susceptible in their own way. Do others have to measure what they say or do not say as well. I know it must be frustrating for a spouse who does not suffer from anything and can therefore not truly understand the curse that we bare in life. While some may become depressed as well or may even get angry or exasperated.

Be it bipolar, adhd, bpd, abuse (childhood or other), depression, anxiety, ocd or any other of a long list of afflictions. It seems that, except for a truly blessed few, it shall always be a demon on our backs which we will have to suffer mostly on our own.

Butterfly on crack...

I think the best way I can explain my anger at times is that as I get more energy and am able to accomplish things I get on myself really hard about how inactive and such a lazy shit I had just been. My wife and I had a talk today about me helping out more around the house, especially since I am laid off and at home all day anyways. The thing is that I know I need to do more but my mind races so damn fast and goes from thought to thought and subject to subject that I never accomplish anything. My mind is like a damn butterfly on crack. All over the place at 90 mph. So come the end of the day I am on myself about being so fricking lazy and it puts me even lower. And I just cycle further and further down.

One of my longest times in the trench was when I was first living with my wife. I had never shared an apartment before and I was seeing how my depression was affecting her. I wasn't diagnosed yet and had no idea why my life was the way it was. The problem was that I could see first hand how my depression was affecting her and it only put me deeper in. It just went on and on in a deathspin like that forever. Well, it seemed like forever.

I guess a lot of it comes down to the fact that I hate myself so much. I really just want out more often than not. I simply refuse to give in though. I can be a stubborn SOB like that. Maybe I can keep moving forward tomorrow, keep the momentum going, and accomplish some more chores. It would lead into a good start for the week. I think I just need more short term goals. Things I can accomplish before the butterfly comes back.

Relationships

Here is a common thread I have been reading in other people's blogs. Relationships getting screwed up. Look, I am not trying to be a Dr. Phil here by no means. And lord knows I have screwed up more than my fair share of relationships. Hey, if you are bipolar it is gonna happen. One key element that has made my marriage work. It actually brought us from the edge of divorce back to happy, happy, happy (most of the time). TALK IT OUT!

Communication is so key that I could not even begin to describe it. Now there is no way I am open about everything but I used to be completely closed. Kept it all inside. My wife finally got me to open up, little by little, until I could freely tell her things. If she had not been so persistent we would not be together today. But she got me to talk. About all of it (well, almost) what I was thinking about, how I felt about certain people like my in-laws. I now know I can come to her and tell her anything. I choose to keep some secrets but that is for my own sanity. I am selfish and enjoy having something for myself.

She taught me to be open. Not to everyone, just her. And it makes us work. This has been my only relationship to go more than 8 months and it has been roughly 5 years. I would not try this with anyone but if you think he/she is the one then try it. Little by little. No need to scare the shit out of them with what is in your head all at once.

If you doubt me then fine, but feel free to ask me more also.